[♠][♥]wherelifeisagamble[♣][♦]

for your love

2012-01-24T16:57:00.000+08:00

#101confessions

2012-01-21T22:37:00.005+08:00

Pure laziness. #101confessions to the rare blogging nowadays. And oh look, the hashtag trend. From that you can surmise i'm a twitter convert from the frequent blogging in the past. Then again, back in the past i was always blogging largely because that was the only way i was silently communication to my then secret special person, who is none other than my boyfriend now teehee. So i suppose that explains why i hardly post nowadays, especially since i doubt anyone still reads this space. Sigh just like that i lost hundreds of uniques ): But somehow someway or another i suppose it's pretty comforting knowing that not many strangers are now reading up on my life intently and the chances of bumping into a girl who would say that she reads my blog now and then is considerably minimal. Not to forget the sheer episodes and versions of drama and stories people can concoct from my life story. I'm perfectly at ease with my life right n

ow having my love by my side so i do not need any more elements of surprise that arent exactly pleasant most of the time jumping at us every now and then behind every door. Right now i know what i want in life as of the near future so i am not letting anything interfere anymore.

1. Get my Economics Degree with Honours from the University of London (London School of Economics) within 3 years

2. Stay as independent as i am

3. Keep my family together

4. Shower my baby with all my love

5. Be happy, no matter what comes my way

Things have been pretty tight lately and ive been constantly on the run with having to juggle school, work, modelling now and then, and especially making time for my boyfriend since he is going for army very soon. My friends and he call me Superwoman, but i only feel empowered because i have these wonderful people to keep me constantly on my feet. I did manage to get a short getaway over at KL which was more of a shopping spree trip. Kept ourselves near the heart of the city because it was rather creepy towards the inner city. Great selection of buys so much so that i started wearing all my new haul from the second day onwards. It was really funny how i was stopped by their fashion snap bloggers/photographers twice throughout the trip. Only managed to remember to snap what i was wearing for one day though /:

Top : KL RM25

Leggings : Mango RM 59

Boots : Dr Martens $220

Bag : Nex $30

Speaking of which, i'll soon update on my latest photoshoot with Faceworks which by far was the most fun i had experience wise (:

Have a great great Chinese New Year and have a good long holiday break everyone!

All the other kids

2012-01-21T21:46:00.005+08:00

"You dont get it dude, and you never will. Yes, she's a beauty, you will feel such pride to be able to go out with her. But you'll never understand it goes way beyond that, way beyond how pretty you think she is, how amazing her smiles and laughter. You dont win over someone like that with nicely phrased sentences, with poems. Because if that's all there is to it, that's all you'll get. It is how she's cared for genuinely, how every little action is taken into consideration and how she is prioritized. How she is to be forgiven when she gets mad because she deserves to be. How her adorable crazy antics are treasured and paid attention to. And most importantly, how honest she is and whether you realise or not, how hard/much she is capable to love. And that dude, is something you will never understand, no matter how well you think your moves, or words are."
- Afiq Ryu

Incredibly firm in what he wants, refuses to compromise for anything less for those he loves and needs, and never fails to show those who matter how much they mean to him, i can safely say ive truly found the one. No one has ever known me this well my whole life. Not friends i grew up with, not anyone ive shared a relationship with, probably not my family as well. I love how incredibly protective he is of me, how he protects me like a brother respects me like a lady sees me as a person worthy of his love and loves me like he has never loved. Love is truly a God's gift, and if anything, i am more than blessed to be showered by all the love he has within his beautiful heart. That love that i see in his eyes every single day and night now. He gets incredibly annoyed by any boy who tries their luck with me as he feels that these boys dont respect me enough to know that im far beyond what they think i am. I don't know what goes on in his mind, i am awed by his picture of me in his head, but in my heart i know it's because he thinks the world of me, only because i think the exact same way of him too. I would be agitated if any girl tries with him because i know, no girl would ever know him the way i do, and no girl would ever, ever be able to love him as much as i ever will. Forever and always.

2011-11-26T00:44:00.000+08:00

it's just a phase that we'll outlast. cos i love you like i never had a past.

2011-11-19T21:16:00.004+08:00

"If you don't want me here then forget it, i won't care anymore."

Like claws of an owl's feet, i felt it wrenching my heart. He then turned his back and walked away. All day i was battling an emotional turmoil within. At one point in lecture i ran out when i felt the warmth of tears filling my lids betraying me. The thing about being numb is when emotions finally catch up to you, it hurts a thousand times over. From that moment on, it doesnt take anything specific to happen. All bottled up feelings would just spill over and betray you. And you just cry, and cry, for no reason at all.

Usually, this is the part i go on a hiatus. Distant myself from everyone. Ignore the texts and let my phone ring. Then i decide then maybe, i'll take a different route this time. Be with the one whom i'm most comfortable with. I straightened myself in the mirror, pushed my hair back and splashed water in my face washing away all the tears. Put on a smile and made my way to meet him. I still wanted to look nice for him no matter how crappy i felt within. But the moment the comfortable feeling being by his side surfaced, he read me like a book and knew something was wrong. He probed and pushed, a little too much for a morning i spent in the corridors crying, warm tears rushed to my eyes again. I pushed him away to stop myself from breaking down in public but i suppose my actions were too harsh for him. I've never pushed him away like that. But i just couldnt this time... So he stormed away. And my heart tore apart.

Rushed out of the room to get my lifesavers Atika & Kristal on the phone, two girls i've grown so close to because we're walking the same path of life and share the same destination. They calmed me down and promised to be where i needed them to be. I wanted to run away, be as far as i could from him because i couldn't decide if the pain i was feeling was innate or was it fueled by what happened between us. In the end i stayed on because deep down, i still needed him.

I know he was frustrated because i pushed him away. I have been doing so much that upsets him these days, to the point where i have been annoying him. I felt his discontent, i see it in his eyes. And it showed in his actions.

I became frustrated with myself, so i started to overthink. What started of as the pain from what's happening in my personal life in terms of family and friends, i started to think of the worse of my relationship. I started to fear for the inevitable just because of the status quo of our relationship now that i'm going through a rough road and he's helpless that he's losing me.

So i watched Strangers, Again as you see above. And surmised that we're well through stage 4 and sailing through stage 5. That was when my attitude to him change altogether because i assumed from then on, things are just going to go downhill.

To me, he's given up on me. Just like everyone did. In reality he was just clueless and felt out of place because he couldn't make me feel any better. To me, the fun in our relationship is over, the honeymoon phase seemed like a million years ago and he's just tolerating me, tolerating us. In reality, he thought i've began to lose faith in us and is struggling to reach out to me.

I die a little inside each time we meet these days and we had nothing to talk about. We'd just sit in silence doing our own things, have our meals the same way, and make our way home with nothing to say to accompany our long journey. To me, the worse has hit us. I've never experienced this before with anyone mainly because there wasn't any emotions to leverage with so when i had to go through that with him, it killed me.

So that was why i stopped trying. I stopped wrecking my brains to figure out what to say. I stopped responding to his touches and smiles. Guess that was how selfish i was. And how so very immature at dealing with a proper relationship. He was trying to make things okay, pulling me in for a hug, cuddled me to fall asleep in his arms, but i was cynical of his every move.

This is why, overthinking kills. You are just fighting with what's going on in your pretty little mind. Soon enough, you start acting on what your mind tells you to and you begin to annoy who loves you. You draw the ugly side of them then use that to reaffirm the nasty thoughts you have in your head.

Never a good idea to overthink. Never.

Why did it take me so long to realise how much he loves me that the smallest of my actions can hurt him so bad he has to walk away to keep his feelings in check and not lose it on me. I've taken things for granted. I've taken him for granted, expecting him to stay when i keep pushing him out and away. I can't let my pain affect us. Things are ugly in my life, but he has always been my greatest escape. I can't let him cause me pain too by making him cause me such hurt. I can't forget that he has feelings too and no one likes to be left out of the picture. This is just a phase, i believe in it. He has never done anything wrong to me, to us.

Today he's out of town so i took today to reflect on things. My life isn't pretty at all right now. I'm facing the worse when it comes to family, and i havent woken up and fell asleep each day wishing i was someone different so that i would never have to face such hurt.. But at the same time, i knew if i was someone different i would never have had the chance to be with him. He is the closest thing i have now besides God. Knowing i have God and him is what that keeps me going. What that keeps me brave to face each day with a broken heart. What that gives me a reason to keep on living. Call me pathetic, but until you've walked my path and worn my shoes, don't pretend that you understand.

I love you God, and i love you Nur Afiq. Please keep me strong and please don't ever give up on me. I am this close to giving in but knowing i have God and him keeps me fighting.

you.

2011-11-19T20:53:00.001+08:00

Miracle

2011-11-15T19:31:00.004+08:00

"I'm so proud to have you as the woman by my side and supporting me.

A girl like you only come once in a lifetime that's for sure.

You're not one in a million, or rare, you're just the one. The one for me. "

Cynical to love, don't you ever wonder if this will last you a lifetime? I'm one of those girls who had been in and out of relationships a couple of times but never been serious with any. Never got the hang of being too chummy with girls, them dudes were my constant company. Boys who let you twirl them with your little finger are aplenty at your beck and call, but i'm not a settler. I've tried once, i've tried twice, and thus the shame is on me for letting the mistake of settling hit me again and again. So this time, for the first time, i reaching out to someone. Someone i've always admired from afar for his qualities and demeanour, never thinking ever of being with him one day because he was far too special for me. But here's the thing, a relationship would only work the most wonderful when the both of you reach out for the other, and not settle. That's the magic i share with him.

Love is not painful if you are in love with the right person. There is no wrong time to be in love with somebody. Because once you fall for someone, if it's genuine and true, it never fades. So the "right time" will always come if you're patient enough to wait till you are able hold your love in your arms. Love however is painful when it's not reciprocated. We've all been down that road before. Not being able to get over someone when ironically we have never even been with him or her. Say a little prayer, wish upon a shooting star, and don't lose hope. Sometimes, when you've felt the spark and seen the glow in her eyes only visible to you, no time is too long worth waiting for.

All i went through to get to you, if given a choice i would never want it to ever happen. But if that's the only option i have baby, i'll do it all over again for you. If that's what it takes, i would. I would rather be hurt all those years, rather than not having you at the end of it all to wipe my tears.

All my life i've always wondered what miracles people talk about when they fall in love. How come what seemed impossible always seem to be within reach when you're not facing life alone. Then i found the answer.

"Miracles happen every day since i have you in my arms."

SHOPGONEBLACK

2011-10-28T13:39:00.004+08:00

I've so much respect and admiration for the girls behind SHOPGONEBLACK who are currently taking their O's but are still able to deliver such quality satisfaction for their fans and customers. Those rings you see above are from what you will find in their exclusive Grab Bags! In my Grab Bag i received a double ring with pearl embellishments, a harness ring(my favourite!), a knuckle ring and a completely exotic single ring. I have yet to get my grab bag as of now due to the girls' tight schedule but that's okay because they made sure that the rings came to me first and boy, aren't they the most chic bundle you can ever get?

The girls are pretty caught up with exams so wait up till the O Level period is over then make your way to SHOPGONEBLACK for quality products at the most affordable rates, ever ever.

Goodluck for your exams girls! (:

What would you tell your 16 year old self if you ever had the chance to?(:

2011-10-25T17:19:00.001+08:00

1. Love yourself. You are not perfect, but everyone else isn't either no matter how they seem like it. You have flaws, but you've plenty of strengths that give you character and set you apart from the crowd.

2. Not everyone would be nice to you. There will be people who would stab you in the back, bring you down in every opportunity that they get and keep your head underwater for as long as they can until you give up fighting to keep breathing. Keep fighting.

3. There will be people with the most beautiful characters that will come your way. Keep them close. Do not ever do anything to upset them or make them go away. These people, they dont come by twice. When they do, you know they are definitely a keeper. For the rest of your life.

4. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed with the problems you have. Some problems will never go away. Some problems only surface because you overthink that they do. Focus on solutions instead of the problems. And when there is no solution because everything is beyond your control, detach yourself from them and continue living.

5. You can't choose your family. No matter how miserable you are, no matter how you aren't given the affection and lonely you are, get comforted with the fact that you once had perfection. It didn't last, but at the very least, it happened. Thank God for that daily.

6. Tough times don't last, but tough people do. Be steadfast and not let anything push you over. You will only know how strong you can be until staying strong is the only option you have. A real fighter is not someone who comes out of a fight unscathed, but one who emerges from the battle with scars of victory.

7. Boys will say and do anything just to get you as a trophy, get in your pants, parade you as an achievement. Be wary of who you choose to be with, and keep your guards up all the time. All the time. Some may not be like that, but they aren't going to be worth your time either if they flee at the first sign of hardship.

8. Not all boys are the same. One fine day, one fine young man is going to sweep you off your feet and treat you like a princess. When you've found him, keep him, love him for the rest of your life.

9. Learn from your mistakes. Make the mistake once, that's life. Repeat it, you've no one to blame but yourself.

10. Life's going to be one hell of a ride from now on. Ride along, take those who matter along with you and just keep running. And never look back. Nothing ever comes by twice.

Carpe Diem quam minimum credula postero.

Imperfect Information leads to Market Failure.

What are your views on cheating partners? If your partner cheated on you would you tolerate it? And forgive him, and move on?

2011-10-25T16:53:00.001+08:00

There is never an acceptable logic nor reason that makes cheating on one's partner permissible. Cheating is one or probably the lowest thing one can do when he or she is in a relationship. If there is anything bothering them, talk about it to their partners, deal with the issue, not let the issue snowball so that you can take an escape with another.

Some people however cheat on their partners not because there is anything at all that makes them unhappy in their relationships. It's plainly because that's how they are, the compulsion to feel needed and wanted and on the verge of being attention seeking. That's who these people are. Their partners can actually dote on them and love them with all their heart, but when by nature one is already as neurotic as what i've said earlier on, staying faithful is just impossible.

There is no "if my partner cheated on me" to me, i have been cheated on time and again before previously in my prior relationships. I've never tolerated, never forgiven. Some of you who know what happened in my very last relationship would probably beg to differ since you know that i stayed with that dude even though he cheated on me 4 times. For the record, i only stayed due to reasons i shall not state here, but feelings were gone from the very first time. That goes to my trust, and faith and believe as well. You could say i was only in my last relationship because i had to. No feelings attached at all.

I may sound very harsh but i simply cant tolerate cheating. Even when i could so many times, i have never, and will never. So i expect my partner to be able to do the same thing as well.

Imperfect Information leads to Market Failure.

Smorgasboard

2011-08-18T22:24:00.014+08:00

Busy bee checking in. Heh I shall not write so much, so here's a post filled with photos of events ever since i last blogged! So sorry for the lack, or rather, for the hiatus because i've been too caught up outdoors i don't even have time to touch this space. Photos are from the First Step Up Style Fashion Runway that i posted about before, Anugerah Planet Muzik 2011 with Afiq and last but not least, my Windsurfing day out. So here goes (: Hope this makes up for the hiatus hehe.

First Step Up Style Fashion Runway

Prior to the Runway!

ft. El Chachos design tees (http://www.facebook.com/el.chachos)

ft. Glamz Wedding Gowns

(http://www.facebook.com/pages/Glamz-Wedding-Gowns/120873064596920)

Scandalous photo taken by naughty Rachel

Because the event ended relatively later than the scheduled timeslot due to Hard Rock Cafe screening the football match earlier on that night, maaany of my guests ended up leaving early since it ended almost midnight. Nevertheless, it was a great great night and i'm thankful Afiq, my bestie Fadli and dearest Rachel stayed with me throughout the night. Many credits to Qashrul Hidafi (http://www.facebook.com/qashrul) for the being our photographer and the make up artists from The Make Up Police and AydAzam SyifaaSyirah for making everyone look so stunning (: I modelled for 3 designers that night and it was a maaad rush changing and all the designers tugging you here and there to dress you up behind the scenes. Runway ain't that glamorous back stage that's for sure. Not featured in my post is a design by Arjuna (http://www.facebook.com/groups/36291889949/) featuring kakak Linda Ishak who designs super cute pixie dresses which i modelled for too.

Do check out these fantastic local designers, great make up artists and the amazing photographer's works! Who says local talents can't make the mark? That night alone proves so much.

Next up, Anugerah Planet Muzik 2011! For the first time ever, with my wonderful boyfriend (':

SHE IS WHY THE BOTH OF US WENT BONKERS FOR APM AHHHMYGAHHH ROSSA <3

if only she did her duet with taufik ): I've nothing against Hady Mirza please don't get me wrong. It's just that if it was Taufik, it would mean alot to me and Afiq on a personal level. Hush hush.

Hi Afgan-every-mom-wants-to-see-her-daughter-bring-home-boy ((:

The ever so sexaye Taufik Batisah

THIS JUST MADE ME AND AFIQ HYPERVENTILATED LIKE NO ONE'S BUSINESS. I suppose it really is a no brainer why the both of us are really fixated on the both of them especially if they're together but iiiif you're still figuring out why, look at the both of them in detail. Hehe.

Photos of my windsurfing day up next! Thanks scorching sun for the bad burns. ):

Gna be getting my windsurfing license pretty soon once the next course session starts! Can't wait can't wait. Then i can now spend my holidays abroad with something to do other than tanning/prawning/fishing in the seas hellyeahhh.

I really am making everything brief here it really is a feat. So that's that. There are still plenty of photos from a couple more events/activities that i have yet to upload because there is too much. Photos from The Body Shop Dinner and Dance, and ROW that will be coming up on Saturday. School's starting on Monday so psyched!

Till next time, (:

FIRST STEP UP STYLE

2011-07-24T23:27:00.002+08:00

VENUE FOR FIRST STEP UP STYLE HAS BEEN CHANGED TO

HARD ROCK CAFE ORCHARD

7 to 9pm

AFTER PARTY FROM 9pm ONWARDS

TIX SELLING AT $15 FROM EL CHACHOS AND YOURS TRULY

DOOR SALES AT $25

GOODIE BAGS, FLOW OF DRINKS SELLING AT $5 FLAT FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT

LUCKY DRAWS

5 LOCAL DESIGNERS

40 LOCAL MODELS including yours truly

FEATURING KEVIN LESTER SINGAPORE'S UPCOMING RAPPER

Guest Appearances by:

Hani Brown (Chaos & Hani Brown Designer)

Hayden Ng (Miss Singapore Designer)

Marcus AC (Fashion Forward & SuperModelMe)

nuff said

2011-07-23T13:20:00.000+08:00

It is possible to feel alone
In a house that was once a home
Deafening silence always on my own
Sometimes it feels like nobody's home

Smiles plastered like well worn mannequins
Such emptiness within the broken heart
And then there's days where i'm haunted by spooky harlequins
So full of rage and ever ready to cut

How much more can a little girl sustain
Always running around picking up broken shards
And at night she'll be in the dark nursing her pain
By daylight she's out so vulnerable to more cuts

'She's so beautiful' 'She's so lovely'
She hears that from almost everybody
But she'll never believe because what she sees,
are the distasteful looks from Mummy & Daddy,
and the everlasting cold battles fought for nobody.

2011-07-12T11:32:00.001+08:00

It disturbs my mind sometimes, how one who boasts about how less of a being I am is actually the one who needs a consolation or two from her so called supporters. And quite honestly, it is even more disturbing that one keeps track of my life and reacts to my every word and action on my personal space and then she claims i'm the insecure one. Err, who's the one keeping check on who again? Some people can really be so funny sometimes I really think it's cause the joke's on them, or even better, they are the joke. It gets even funnier when someone hints on being a threat when in reality we all know it's gna be futile bcos yknow, it takes 2 hands to clap. I mean, hats off since some people are already always playing games with everyone else too, but sometimes, not everyone is willing to stoop thaat low. If what im saying really bothers anyone, it's good, cos really, it's meant for you. Go ahead and keep raging this battle bcos despite it all I aint got nothing to lose. But i'm just curious, what are you doing on my blog anyway? Since you hate me so much? Just saying (:

2011-07-10T11:59:00.001+08:00

Food left on the table, untouched, uneaten. And everyone's doing their own thing and im just waiting by the table.

no i'm not letting you go

2011-07-08T11:35:00.002+08:00

oh before i forget, i just wna share what i listen to whenever i miss Afiq. It's a malay song though, but do listen! (:

Better bet

2011-07-08T10:16:00.003+08:00

Life hasn't been perfect, but it's going through the better route. You'll never realise how strong you can really be until being strong is the only option you have. Never fails to get me back up, that. From the last time i last updated, even more things happened. Grandmum got admitted into hospital, almost, almost lost sight of her. But thank goodness God is willing to let us still share our love, care and concern for my grandparents.

We definitely have a huge weight on our shoulders, having a very ill grandmother, and an Alzheimer's disease stricken grandaddy. But these 2 people are the ones that brought me up when for most of my growing up years. This very wonderful grandparents of mine are the ones i mistook for my own parents just because they were there more than my parents have ever been. Truth is when it comes to that up till now nothing has really changed, but that's besides the point. And also, this very couple is the only one whose lovestory i believe in and gives me hope that perhaps in this world love does last even after decades of being together. Care and affection for each other would never be reduced to an individual each man for himself even after spending their entire lives together. Each night that is too cold would always be spent cuddling each other to sleep. For each time that one is feeling unwell the other would always be there rubbing her back singing verses of purity from the Holy Book of Quran. Not being able to see the other half because she's being taken care of at the hospital leaves him sleepless at night and restless in the day. That's real love my friends now that's, real love.

Just yesterday evening i finally met up with Inah in town and it dawned upon us how long has it been ever since we've been to town together. Asked her along with bf out bcos Topshop was having an exclusive sale yesterday and at the end of the day we scored Topshop and Zara which was also having a great great sale. I bought my denim shorts (yes again -.-) and a cute tank from Zara and got myself a really flattering Twisted Khaki pants from Topshop. Inah got herself her Tapered Black pants for work and bf got himself another Zara basic tee. The night turned out beautifully with the 2 people i so love very much. Then again, a smooth sailing ride is always too good to be true so as usual it just had to be ruined by a cheapshot at incurring my fury so oh well, what can you do when you just can't for nuts try to lower yourself down to someone who can stoop thaat low. Good attempt though! I absolutely adore my bestfriends for they never ever make me fail to see how much of a joke that is. Oh well~

Afiq and I have been seeing each other so much lately i can't help but still want more. Everytime i see him outside TBS waiting for me to end, that very feeling i have never fails to feel just like the first time. The first time he came to see me, when we were both still unsure of where we were heading with the bond that we have with each other. Seeing him outside still makes me skip a beat inside, makes me anticipate for the time to hit 10 just so that we cant get closing done and over with and i can be comforted in his arms and that familiar scent. And nothing feels better than knowing how far he is willing to travel just to see me for that 1 hour or so to make sure i'm home safe so late at night. Up till now he insists it's nothing but really, i just find it hard to see boys doing that nowadays. I love you honey (:

Before i end this post and not update for god knows how long, do make yourselves free on the 28th of july and make your way down to Double O on Queen's st from 8 to 9 to support my friend El Chachos showcasing his designs, along with his other designer friends. If you like music, fashion, and a good night out do come down (: Cover will be 15bucks along with a drink. I'm going to be modelling his designs also and i'm just as nervous and psyched at the same time because the last time i did runway was when i was a kid modelling. Nevertheless i know i'm gna have fun so doesnt matter! See you beautiful people there (:

after eons;

2011-06-18T13:11:00.001+08:00

I thought i could silently deactivate my blog and no one would notice but tough luck there. Thank goodness for the the 127 uniques this week and the sudden increase of 22 followers on fs that i'm deciding to update and not deactivate. Haven't gotten the chance to spend time with the laptop for the past weeks at all ever since i've gotten it serviced.

In the last post i did mention about how i've been coping lately with what happened that destroyed me in May, and so here i am, i'm going to say that i've been doing alot better recently. Been spending tons of time with the girls and Afiq, very special people who never fail to make me laugh with tears in my eyes yet stand so strong for me while i falter. I love each and every one of you (:

On another note, the bf and I finally finally had the whole day all to ourselves at USS last monday! Met up at about 9-ish before we headed to Sentosa to snap our tix and the doors open at 10. And guess what, it's not true that only Singaporeans are so kanchiong, foreigners deserve that title so much better. Nuff' said.

The moment we reached we went around like 2 excited little kids to every nook and corner for a short while before deciding that we're gna take all the rides first while everybody else is checking out the other attractions. Battlestar Galatica Human and Cylon conquered back to back, followed by Revenge of the Mummy. How's that like~ It was bf's first time taking a huge roller coaster and i was a little apprehensive especially when he didn't even scream when we took our first ride. Little did i know he was totally digging all the sudden turns and drops -.- We managed to go for all the rides and most of the amazing shows except for the Rapids because the queue was just absurd. Shall get the express pass the next time we go!

After that we had lunch/dinner back at Vivo so that we could splurge on dessert at the Celebrity's Cafe in Hollywood Street back at USS. There after we headed for an evening stroll down Hollywood and New York Street, where everything was just perfect. There were fringe shows through the streets, from bboying to a fantastic Grease-style boyband performance. Bf and i did v-logs throughout our whole trip at USS. Doubt we'll ever post it up because of too much info moments heh. As we headed out from USS we managed to catch the Crane Dance at the promenade near the Sentosa Boardwalk. It was a work of art and engineering it took my breath away. And it's completely free of charge! A must watch everyone! It's a story of 2 cranes dancing to attract each other. Beautiful music, amazing lighting, graceful cranes, just ineffable.

Of course, that wasn't the only ineffable thing i had. The day with bf was by far one of the most enjoyable day i've ever had in my life. Laughed so much with each other and we did the silliest of things. Dancing in the middle of the streets, running and doing the Charlie Chaplin knickknacks in front of everyone, pretending we were superstars, acting like little kids everytime we chance upon bits and pieces of our childhood, sharing all our childhood stories, behaving like the most annoying people on earth just to irritate the real dousches at USS, and so so much more. We didn't really take much pictures as we just wanted to enjoy our very first trip over, shall do all the picture taking the next time we are going. Aug-Nov 20% off for Masters hellyezz. Hopefully we shall make another trip over then.

So the princess kissed the frog and he became a prince. Teehee.

post roller-coaster hair and face. pssh.

edited/;

That was my post yesterday before i realised i was late for my photoshoot for Hype. Headed to Np to meet Tiffany and Ievan with the other models before we started on our shoot which was beyond adorable. Shall keep everything under wrap first before the magazine is released! *fingers cross!

Headed to bf's place for lunch/dinner after that and we headed to mma training where i finally did striking till my knuckles burned. My left kicks are still always out of balance sigh why. Can't wait for training next week oh so psyched!

self reflection#

2011-06-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

At times when the world quietens down and the companions have gone to make sweet dreams, only the deafening silence becomes my only solace as I take a breather to analyse my status quo. I've found the love for that future, i've discovered the real facade of society, i've deliberately become my own devil's advocate to get the best of what i'm fighting for, yet at the end of the tunnel i'm still seeking for that hiny of light to tell me where exactly am I heading and what the future has in store for me. Change is constant - the biggest irony in the world, yet why do I still feel marooned (sic). Each day i'm still praying for God to have better plans for me. Nothing feels more terrible than living your life each day full of questions about your own life and your only source of escape from the worries of the world is still out of reach.

I have opened up to those dearest to me recently but honestly I cant blame them for being awkward around me. If there is anything I can say, I sincerely want to apologise for the hiatus. It's not that i've forgotten, it's not that i've stopped caring, I never once did. But I can't stop anyone from forgetting about me. Truth is, i'm really ashamed of myself for being envious and mad of how far ahead and how happy everyone is. It hurts alot, simply because we planned and worked as hard together, yet I missed the ride. Part of me really is extremely happy and proud of all of you, but I cant stop questioning why not me. I love you my girls and bros, never once think that i've forvotten

aimless.

2011-05-26T09:48:00.002+08:00

So it's been a long hiatus hasn't it. Not just online, even my own personal life. Sorry for all the texts and whatsapps i haven't replied. Missed calls i haven't return. Dates i didn't turn up for. Sorry for the hiatus. But i will be back, i will make up for all the time i've lost if i find a new direction in life this time. Know what's the feeling like when suddenly it hits you that you've nowhere to go? That aimless feeling, add that to the exasperating disappointment and melancholy. How much more broken can one get. How deeper can someone fall. It's difficult to get back up when the only thing you ever had your heart and mind set on ever since you understood what life is is now no longer in your hands. What you used as an escape from all the issues in life has now escaped from your hands. Perhaps God has better plans for me. Perhaps.

Fs activated back, i'll answer the pending questions before i deactivated it.

smitten.

2011-05-16T02:04:00.005+08:00

He whispered in my ear, and I felt the most beautiful.

If I could be granted a wish,
Just a wish,
Regarding you,
I'd wish for time.
For with time,
I can spend it with you,
We could share joy,
Lifetime experiences,
We could share pain.
I could hold you,
each time you hurt,
I could kiss you,
Each time you tear.
I could fix you,
Each time you break,
I can pull you up,
Each time you fall
I could hold you,
Each time you laugh,
I could kiss you,
Each time you smile.
Only with time,
I can do all that,
With time,
Without it running out.
I'd wish for time,
Just with you.
Just us two.

-Afiq Ryu

Afiq Ryu;
I'm in love with you.

second shot, yet again. i've got to start counting my blessings, in which one of them is you.

2011-05-15T00:59:00.004+08:00

It's something about having your life flashing by your very eyes in a split second that makes you realise who really means alot. That sudden jolt of memory directed to those who matters most. And then when it's all over, many things start to dawn upon you, before the physical pain catches up and hits you bad. Who you should start reconciling with, who you should start cherishing, who doesn't really matter, and who you really want and need to be there till death do you part. Not because im being dramatic, but because sometimes, life gives you a second shot at living.

I've been in daze lately, many times disoriented but now on track to recovery. Daily habits and routines sometimes felt odd and out of place, and there were certain times I couldn't understand why was I at a certain place. Pressing the lift buttons repeatedly and getting frustrated the lift's not budging. Why of course, it was the current floor I was requesting. Stopping in the midst of a journey wondering what was I doing. Toppling all my clothes in the wardrobe only to be mad at myself later just because. Losing so many valuable items ever since that day, i'm never like that. Cracking my head to remember significant incidents I always had at the back of my hand..that's just not me. Yet despite all, im just really thankful im here and so is the precious family. I love my family more than anything in the world. I hope one day they would see it, one day..

Right now, adversities are a norm. Yet again, when has it ever been easy for me. Perhaps i've committed way too much misdees in my last life that i'm being punished for it now. Sigh. Despite it all, i'm just really thankful that I have Afiq by my side to keep my head up even when everything else is pulling me down. My girls and bestie, im as thankful to them for making me smile all the time, though I know that I don't share much to many anymore. Lately, I just feel that im imposing on some. Better stick to my gut feeling, it's always true.

So anyway, tomorrow i'm having a date at Fort Canning with Afiq, my childhood love Syakirah and Jon for a night of Shakespeare's wonderful Macbeth play under the stars. A play full of wonderful psychological thrills, for sure i'm going to have my eyes glued to the stage. I'm definitely definitely psyched for tomorrow for one, meeting the bf. Two, my long awaited double date with my childhood love is finally going to materialise) (too bad arifah couldn't make it). Three, IT'S MACBETH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. That's a landmark in English literature mind you. Of course, you cant expect the quality of the Royal Shakespeare Company but you gotta cherish what comes your way. And with an awesome company tomorrow night, I will just be the happiest. A much deserved break after so long.

Speaking of thrills earlier on, i've gotten myself involved in mixed martial arts for good ever since last week. And boy wasn't it the best. Of course, i'm still amateur, but im gna make sure I train hard like I always do. Been nagged at by the bestfriend and Natnat because they are worried for my back injury but I guess I will do what I always do(most of the time) even for rugby in the past. Listen to my body when it's telling me that it's in tremendous pain.

Besides, Afiq the mma_sapau_boi will always be there training as well so at the very least i'm taken cared of well whilst training.

My happy pill has been such a wonderful boyfriend, though it's no surprise because I knew how he was like when we were still friends, I just cant stop from feeling extremely pampered and that he is being extremely nice. When in fact, it isn't anything extraordinary tht he's doing. Yet to me, ive been down there being treated in a way bad enough tht I really cherish the smallest things Afiq does.

I'm not lovestruck. I just believe I found what i've been looking for. Happy 2 months baby, (though it's supposed to be 2 +++ years already >:) hehe kbye love you the most (:

mix it up like the mma do

2011-04-30T00:37:00.000+08:00

On a more bittersweet as compared to the last post, yours truly will be overseas for the long weekend for my cousin's wedding so wait up for the photos of my previous outing dear impatient fs people sheesh (:

gonna be going off at 4 am which means 4 hours from now and im still wide awake. Oh wells thank god for the long car ride. So on a more happier note, I spent the whole day today with Afiq (: Met up really early for bfast at Harbourfront and lazed around at the new boardwalk till the sun came up high and he went off for an hour's lesson and I dropped by the library to get my books. Once we were both done we headed for his Cca Open House booth for his Mixed Martial Arts and thus ended up spending the afternoon watching him spar with the boys. Met up with Loic whilst he was passing by and also Firdaus. Ive got to catch up with Loic asap sheesh.

Mma is as rough as contact rugby can get, which of course, tempted me to join for good since ive been wanting to for years but never got around to signing up. Hopefully all's clear this time and im able to *cross fingers* Told the parents about it over dinner and they were chidding me for always getting into high risk activities haha. I have no idea why either, mom, dad. Lol. Watching Afiq made me have butterflies in my tummy sheesh, I better not get distracted by his presence if I join for good ._.

Guess im gna hit the sack now, bf's gone for Cameron Highlands for the weekend too. Sigh I miss Nita and Jo and Michelle and Inah and Syairah. And im still mad worried for posting results.

Sigh.

screw.it.

2011-04-28T02:23:00.002+08:00

Can't fall asleep worrying about posting results. And most of my friends are already posted to NUS. Screw it fuck I am terrified. This imminent doom isn't giving me anything to be sanguine about. Perhaps because I don't have a reason to. Great, just great.

Sexy Saturday

2011-04-27T00:58:00.003+08:00

So the lack of updates lately has been largely due to my intensely packed days and nights, no laziness at all this time round. So now that my insomnia is doing a pretty good job as per normal and im avoiding conversations I shall update.

Last weekend I finally got a day out after so long, and boy was it wonderful. Started my day by going over to his place to meet the Mom for the first time as his gf instead of a friend back then once and goodness, I have never, ever felt so nervous and terrified meeting a boyfriend's mom as I was meeting his. Probably because his is the one I really want to leave a good impression on ._. Reached his place after a long journey of panic attacks and claustrophobi and frankly I was just glad I didn't make a u-turn haha. Aside from having a short conversation with the Mom, Afiq and I made our first vlog of our special song hehe. But the audio's pretty muffled so we are gna do a re-run so wait for it, perhaps I shall upload if he allows me too (:

Following the wonderful early noon he then sent me to meet a close friend before we both hit the town for I finally met up with my beautiful girls Kiddy, Wani and Ameerah to spend the night catching up and we came to the conclusion that we are definitely Headturners hehehe. Inside joke :D Meera went off to Soul after that tempting all of us what with the Free Entry for girls but thankfully Afiq was there to make me behave lols. I still enjoyed my wonderful Saturday all thanks to these awesome companions in my life; the girls and bf. Pictures shall be uploaded on the next post. Speaking of posts, I only managed to answer a couple of fs questions so please hang on for the rest.

This coming weekend yours truly will be overseas for Abang Along's wedding so just a heads up incase im being accused of being MIA. Anything urgent do just text me, or Whatsapp/Fb but please don't bother inbox-ing me in fb cos I almost never go into it,.knowing the strange messages that I get..lol. This wedding, this is going to be bittersweet, I can just feel it. But insyallah I hope all will be fine...Ya Allah, help us this once.

a haiku for you, for another morning for us two

2011-04-20T01:49:00.003+08:00

Sweet melody rings
in my ear, a sign, you are
somewhere near; In my heart.

Here's a haiku for you Love, hope it starts your day right today (:

What I cant grasp uptill now is the very fact that i've willingly agreed to accompany the little sister for her Justin Bieber's concert at Indoor Stadium earlier on. Them girl fanatics..practically left me deaf in both ears. Aside from that kid being a good drummer and a dancer, I really can't see why are girls head over heels in admiration and infatuation and even obsession over him. I mean, no offense to 'Beliebers' out there, but that kid sounds way nicer before puberty hit him. Now he just sounds reaaally nasal it gave me goosebumps for all the wrong reasons. Oh well, not like I can say much about a boy who's probably richer than 3/4 of the world. Nevertheless, much thanks to the DJ for the great mix and mini party during pre-Bieber appearance that got me all hyped up influencing the little sister to dance along. And the Legacy for great backup singing and the awesome dance crew for the exceptional dance moves. Made my attendance there alot more worthwhile (: Im just really glad my little sister had the time of her life more than anything else (':
Oh oh, I met Alice and Brey whilst tryna find my seat, and then Irfan with godknowshis2829372thgirlfriend and my adorable co-model Amanda on the way home.

More updates soon, together with the tons of fs questions alright. xx

Forever won't be as long as it has been and will be with those i love

2011-04-16T14:34:00.007+08:00

i may not be a social butterfly anymore, neither do i keep up with my personality profile of being a popular sanguine. But at the end of the day, all i know is as long as i don't have to pretend i'm having the time of my life with people i'm not really close to and people who are there just for when i want to let loose, i'm contented enough to at least smile and laugh and be really genuine about it all. i know i haven't been going out for the drinks, i haven't been going out for the late night parties, and i haven't been going out for the reckless shopping, nor have i been going out for the hours of catching up with acquaintances. But that's just it, sometimes, having the ones you are already so close to and feel like family with is what you need to really make your day and light up that twinkle in your eyes and a smile on your lips. That's just it. Even if you do nothing much and just have hours of heart to heart. I think, i'm becoming less and less of a social butterfly these days. It's making me much happier though, so i'm loving this lifestyle alot better than the past where i made too many friends who well, let's just say have a different direction in life. Well that's that.

Pictures below are from the date i had with my BFsF a couple of days ago, and Afiq dropped by after his internship. Pigged out (again -.-) at Manhattan before going Coffeebean for the evening where there was interrogation of the boyfriend by my girlfriends, like they always do, and then the tables turned against my Sakinah as we got very persuasive for something that she better do asap. I mean it babe. I'm super protective of you right now, and if i have to do anything at all to make you happy, i will.

On another note, as of yesterday it's been a month with him. A walk down memory lane of what should have been a good two years ago was indeed beautiful. 2 years ago, we didn't know what emotions we were supposed to be feeling. Is this really the right thing to do? "Does she feel the same way as i do?", "Does he feel the same way like how i feel for him?" Are we getting the right vibes from each other at all?

Whatever advances or action we made to each other, we left it hanging in the air. Too afraid of the what ifs, and too afraid of losing. In him i found a bestfriend, someone who not only listens to the things i say, but listens intently to the things i don't say at all. As we reminisced yesterday of what should have happened two years ago, i could only see just how wonderful it is that we are able to get back right to it as if the detour didn't happen at all. But that's the beautiful part about this all, it's the fact that we both know and acknowledge of our individual detours, and we learnt so much from each other that we are going to make sure that history doesn't repeat itself one way or another in this one. We are going to make mistakes that's for sure. We are going to hurt each other with our mistakes, that's for sure. The only difference, for once, is that this somebody is worth 'hurting' for, because we are all humans and imperfections makes us complete.

As for now we haven't had real adversities yet and that's why i string all these sentences without much effort. But it's not that i don't believe in it. I string these words now, so that i have something to go back to, once adversities catch up with our fantasy-like reality.

# tell me it's just a coincidence or God is giving me a sign

2011-04-12T18:38:00.002+08:00

Girls girls girls (:

2011-04-12T17:28:00.006+08:00

Overdued photos from my Keppel Bay date with the lovely girls (:

Yesterday was Michelle's birthday but she's back in Indonesia sigh :/ Don't even know whether she received my text that i sent to her overseas number :/ In May the girls are planning to have a short trip over at Indo for us to have a short break as well as to visit Michelle but i don't really know if I wna go. I don't really know if i wanna have fun at all these days. The burden within is enormous from issues within the family. On one side i know i deserve all the fun i want to while i still can, but on the other i can't help but be held back by certain things. Despite it all i'm just glad my Afiq and the girls and bestie understands my position.

cos my girls are special like that

2011-04-08T01:17:00.002+08:00

Today I tried to understand what romance really means to my girls; Joey, Nita and Michelle. In all honesty it does seem a tad too overated. How do you define what romance is anyway? Intense passion for each other? Must there be genuine affection or is lust key? Between a man and a lady, I wonder is romance as short lived as an infatuation would be. Fiery hot passion for the other half during those moments, only for it to be doused soon like a dying candle, as simple as an infatuation, yet leaves a lasting memory just like the latter. I think too much thoughts in my head im pretty sure at least half of them are senseless thoughts. Dont mind me.

So as I was saying before I got distracted, today I finally met up with my complete 3. Reached vivo first so whilst waiting for my worthy princesses I Topshop-ed and got myself pretty tribal feather dangling earrings, before Michelle came over to stop me from spending any further. Soon after Nita and Joey came and we went to get our food before heading to Keppel Bay to pig out and just enjoy each other's company with loads of heart to heart. How I miss joey ):
Following that, I had to leave ard 5 to work.

one of mine, she is facing some issues, which makes me really paranoid for her because I just dont want her to go through the same shit that I did. But at the same time, im worried that my paranoia is judgemental for someone I hardly even know, yet it's because there are just too many coincidences for things to turn out the way it did for me . Yet, I dont want to be imposing on her decisions and thinking just because ive been there. I kinda feel sorry for being such a big influence to the girls to have doubts for this guy, but Chlle I just love you too much. I would never, ever wish for my past to be imposed on anyone, but I shall trust you my dear that you can take really good care of yrself even when you are away from us. Sorry if I keep maligning him /:

That aside, im really grateful that the girls are happy for me. This is what I need, to confide my feelings to my girls and be myself and not try to assure myself instead. Thank you for the Faith,and always being there.

Dear Michelle is going back Indonesia since her Student visa's expired. Im gna miss her dearly ): tmr is her flight home and im working oh boy. But I guess it's better that way. I hate goodbyes ): Hopefully our picnics will happen again babeies. I really enjoyed today..what feels alot like romance. (inside story)

My wish really is to have today happen
all over again. Aw michelle~ ))))):

A.

2011-04-05T15:57:00.002+08:00

cash inn

2011-04-04T14:22:00.002+08:00

The cash for Chingay is going to be in soon weee! *dances around* Didnt go for the reunion at Azzura the other night since meeting up with the boys and bf > Azzura heh. Hence I just got to know about the pay coming in. Mommy was telling me ive got an invitation to participate in ndp. Unless it's dance, im so not gna be getting myself involved in some lame number. Lol. As if im not busy enough alr, to now get myself into ndp haha. Anyway, hopefully I get to meet my dance girls soon!

2011-04-04T11:33:00.004+08:00

I always thought i've loved enough, enough for me not to have anymore of that to share. So much so that i wasn't able to make myself do so to that boy in the recent past. Perhaps that was why i received the same fate, a retribution perhaps? For letting it be one sided for him. But it wasn't soon before long that i realised it was only because i've gave all of it to one very special individual way from the start. The most special to me.

So i wonder why my are there people googling for my blog lately. "iifahh-illya, iifahh-afiq, iifahh-jj rugby + bf, ifah-afiq bestfriend". For real? And then today i realised a good 200 plus unique views in a matter of 4 days. Who are you people~ I've had my fair share of really, really nice readers who leaves me the sweetest fs posts, but not asking me to post it because they are not seeking for "fame", quote unquote. But i've had my fair share of imbecile nitwits too. You people make me wonder what's so interesting about my life really. But anyway, since you are already at it might as well help me click all the nuffnang adds. Thankyou very much~

Be flattered you have haters, because most of them envy you and your life. They envy how beautiful you look, inside and out. They wanna bring you down to see your ugly & horrible side just so they could satisfy themselves with your weakness. They wanna see your weakness because you show them nothing but strength. Heads up sweetie! What truly matters are your circle of friends and boyfriend who knows who you really are.

- Asyikin Kynedaddy♥

dont let the sun go down on me

2011-03-31T22:20:00.003+08:00

Went over to give Afiq a teeeny bit of cheesecake over at his school whilst waiting for my birthday girl Nuraznita Juke before we made our way to meet Michelle at Vivo. Had our meal and then hours of conversation and catching up, oh how i miss them girls ): Couldn't meet Joey as she was only free after work around 6, but by then i had to be home for a little date with the sister to help out for her Home Econs practical, since my plans to go to Masjid had to be called off due to unforeseen circumstances~

Gave the girls the cheesecake which ended up being chocolate mousse when it melted =.= Thank god it still tasted edible enough hehe. Happy birthday bay! Hope you had a great one aaaand hope i made it better somehow (: We better meet up soon before Michelle flies off again, knowing the ever so busy Miss Indonesia. Else Nita and I will fly to Jakarta/Medan to kidnap you back Michelle.

Something about spilling my heart out to my girls, makes me feel so taken care of. I know i wasn't even supposed to keep things to myself, but i just thought i could handle things by myself :/ Now that we are already on the same page with a lot of things i hope you girls dont even hesitate to tell me anything anymore, just because you are worried that im bogged down by issues of my own. I no longer, so we are good okay? (: Love you girls!

It's funny how i think that you are too good

for me sometimes, after what i've gone through.

But yet, beneath all that, I know only you

can bring out the best in me.

I love you.

For my one and only Nuraznita Juke;

2011-03-30T00:09:00.003+08:00

2 years ago when i stepped into college, little did i know i was going to meet with an angel. An angel in a disguise of a korean boys crazed girl, who gives the best hugs and says the right words all the time. I remember when i first got to know this girl. I was late for my first Maths lecture, and rushed down to sit. She then offered me the seat beside hers, and from there our friendship bloomed. From solving a Math problem together. From then on, never did we fail to stick to each other through lectures and tutorials along with our permanent front row crew of us two, Joey, Michelle, Hongxun, Benedict, Kevin, Fitri.

And then came after school hours, the long hours of heart to heart, laughters and tears. She was the only one who could make me cry out what i kept in for so long, only because she made sure she was there to lend me her shoulder and talked me through things and made it sensible. Yet, she isn't just someone i would turn to in times of melancholy. When im in need of crazy random moments, all the singing out loud of archaic songs, the funniest dancing moments or just disturbing people, she is the one i would look for. This girl is more bad ass than she appears to be, mind you :P

And then, i realised i found my soul sister in her, for she was exactly like me when it comes to obsessive compulsive disorder issues. I fondly remember how our classmates are always trying to deal with the both us, trying hard to help us overcome our similar phobias and ocd. We are just meant to be la bay (':

She is the girl i know, who has so much genuine love in her to offer. So sensible, yet so adorably clueless in some essential matters (sayang you know i know :p ) The boy that she will end up with one fine day will have to be approved by me first, because my bay is the last one i want to see hurt. I can't live with that.

Dearest Nuraznita Juke, Happy 19th birthday honey. Thank you for being there, thank you for your love and thank you for the past 2 years of friendship. I'm not going to let us be apart just because you are a lakesider and im miles away. Our lives are going to be different, but i will make sure that we are always on the same page in some matters and always having the same things to hold on to and keep us together. Thank you for having my back all this while bay, thank you for just being there. Love you (:

2011-03-29T18:17:00.003+08:00

Due to random craving moments i've made chocolate cheesecake today hehe. Woke up to find myself alone at home, and ended up accomplishing a hell lot of things when no one is home to distract me. Besides cheesecake baking, i've finally gotten SMU's application out of my way and so i can breathe a sigh of relief now that i've applied for all the 3 universities. Going to be applying for some Australian universities as a back up plan though. Thankfully the application for them don't end as early as local universities. Oh well, all the best to all applicants(:

Things have took a better turn lately, fixing a permanent smile on my lips throughout the day. It was a beautiful last Saturday. Met up with the boys- Fadli, Asief and along with Hazim to pig out since the boys just booked out the last Friday. It was really fun to catch up with them, until I was lost in translation as they got engrossed talking about national service life =.= Everytime they saw me getting annoyed they would try to talk in some common man language but it wasn't for long before it trailed back to ns life......... >( It was funny though, to be out with 3 botak boys haha. Nevertheless, i enjoyed our Sakura and Starbucks (: Probably the next time i'm out with them i shall launch a game of Taboo with the sole word being anything to do with ns. sheeesh.

So after that, Afiq came over to fetch me at town and met up with them boys before we headed to Pasir Ris Park out of randomness. Watched the sunset (somewhat), the beautiful lightning that seemed so near yet so far and spent the night looking up at the beautiful stars. And having his presence alone, right beside me, was enough to make me feel a way i've never felt before. It was still surreal that he is with me now, and even now and then i wake up with a smile on my face thinking about what we've been through and what we are now.

I don't really care about what you guys have to say anymore, shoot me with all your snide remarks and whatever. You don't have anything on me. Those who matter don't mind at all, and to the rest of you who mind, you don't matter in the least bit at all.

"We are never gonna stop encountering these low people in our lives Sha. We just have to be wise enough not to stoop down to their levels when they bitch attack us. Kindness kills;"

- Nuraznita Juke.

I love you bay.

And i love You too (:

Cos it's Ours.

2011-03-29T00:48:00.001+08:00

Elevator buttons and morning air

Strangers' silence makes me wanna take the stairs

If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares

But right now, my time is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves

They'll judge it like they know about me and you

And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do

The jury's out, but my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard

The stakes are high

The waters rough

But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves

Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me

Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles

But I don't care, cause right now you're mine

And you'll say don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard

The stakes are high

The waters rough

But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate

If it's wrong and your hands are tough but they are where mine belong and

I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you

Cause I love the gap between your teeth

And I love the riddles that you speak

And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored

Cause my heart is yours

2011-03-26T10:42:00.002+08:00

There is nothing that feels like a whole load of weight being lifted off your chest, only to have a huge truckload of burden piled onto your shoulders. The burden of over consciousness and of having to deal with a bunch of nitwits who have nothing better to do but try their mighty best to bring you down.

Let me make this straight. He and I, we both had a history together in the past. But i took a hiatus because i thought the feelings weren't mutual. Little did I know he was too afraid to admit it because he too, thought it wasn't mutual. I made friends with this other guy, and this other guy was quick enough to do all that he can to win my heart. He was almost perfect then, until I realised he had alot more than what meets the eye. I tried to be patient, and went beyond my human limits to understand and be sensitive to his wants and needs, but he took well advantage of it and even took things for granted. The fun lasted awhile, before his true colours really showed up. For months to almost a year i stuck with it all, hoping desperately for a change. But a leopard doesn't change it spots. We have had good times, but i have had more melancholy and exhaustion for the whole time being with him. I stayed more for a certain reason which i shall remain undisclosed, and because he fully knows about this, he took advantage of my over concern and played with it. Everytime he made me fall, I can't help but blame myself for being so stupid to leave someone who was so perfect, and is still perfect for me, for someone else who didn't love me enough just because i was afraid of the What Ifs.

It's not that i moved on fast, i am just going back to where i really belong. It's not that i took my ex for granted/as rebound, i sincerely believed we could be, until he gave me more reasons to leave. Once someone lies, it's hard to believe everything else he said wasn't a lie too. And once someone loses his respect for you, you know you can't be with that person because he lacks the simplest fundamental of humanity. And once someone says that he is like that just because "he loves you", you know it's because he is just screwed up that way. The anger within me is immense when it comes to this. So, dont.push.me.

I've found perfection a long time ago. I just didn't know i had it, until i lost it.

A.

2011-03-19T12:27:00.003+08:00

A moment of realization, the turning point of life, I have been going through a major change in my life just these few days alone. Grinning from ear to ear, raising eyebrows for those around. I took a step back to see the complete picture, and i was mad at myself for letting some things go in the past. All because I was too afraid of the what ifs, and because sometimes society scoffs at the unconventional. But i suppose if without the long and painful detour, i wouldn't have appreciated a figure as much as i do now. A band around my finger, as a reminder of what it has been through. Who knew, dreams could happen in reality. And as funny as this sounds, my insomnia is indeed getting better. Go figure.

This has always been what i wanted, even if i never knew that all along. Funny how i only admitted it to myself after years, and had some guts to go along with the what ifs. Maybe this is how is like to be happy. I have some adapting to get used to A. Don't give up on me.

So the other day, Thursday to be exact, was by far the most memorable. A fetched me for breakfast at 8 and then i headed to Holland V for work and he left for his. Surprised me with his presence for lunch and then right after i knocked off from work we met and headed to the inaugural Film Fest Gala Awards by The New Paper at Shanghai Dolly Club at Clarke Quay with his friends. Contemplated to go Zirca with his friends right after that but decided not to thinking about the work we had the next morning. So ended up hanging out close to midnight before he sent me home. Up to this very moment, i can't grasp how this is really happening. Oh boy.

"Kakak, i just don't want to see you having sleepless nights worrying anymore. Let A be the last. I don't want to know anyone else anymore. "

(:

2011-03-14T12:11:00.002+08:00

University of Wollongong, NTU, Marina. Garrets' Caramel Crisp, Starbucks java Chip, Honey Chipotle. Joey, Syairah, Fadli, Nita, Sakinah, all that i will need to make a day right. New friends made amongst them. how cute (:

2011-03-14T01:02:00.003+08:00

Rumours has it that I broke up with the boy. It's not a rumour, not at all ever since Fourth of March. No one to blame that for, just an instinct I had to listen to. Things were going out of hand and ive only so many fingers to keep count of them. Pretty ironic that I did not break up with him due to any external objections whatsoever, but well, some times, the heart can no longer take the toll of melancholy and disappointment that it just turns solid and numb and tells you to listen to your mind instead. And for once, I finally put myself ahead of others. And I knew that was the best decision I have ever made. I have had the sweetest of memories, but unfortunately I experienced the worst downfalls. I have had the happiest moments, but I went through the roughest nights feeling like shit. I have had the worthwhile memories, but I have more that I wish to forget. I have many reasons to stay, but you gave me more reasons to leave.

Dear You,
I havent thanked you before, for all the things you have done for me. No one else tries as hard as you, and no one else is as proud as me as much as you are. You made me your inspiration, and you brought me higher than I ever was. I expect alot from you, only because I was willing to do just as much. So for what it's worth, Thank You for all you have done and all the sacrifices you've made. Im sorry if I may have hurt you before. I hope for a future for you, with someone who can live with your whims and fancies, and someone who accepts you for your flaws. You were nt your best when you were with me, and I know there is still alot more in you to offer. I just hope that you treat a girl better than you ever treated me, because I believe somewhere deep inside you, you are better than what ive seen. Do take good care of yourself, and all the best for your future endeavours.

Love, me.

Fourth of March was also results day as you all would have known by now. Up to this very moment no words can describe how I feel. My results gave me mixed reactions, because of how extreme I did. The subjects I thought I could do well in made me so disappointed where as the ones I thought were going to bring me down gave me a reason to be reaally happy about. So verdict is, confused child.

Yet, the wreck is not gna be over until posting results are out. Oh Allah, you helped me this thus far. And I am so so thankful for all that you have given me, Dont give up on me oh Allah, stay by me and lead me to the right path of my Life. Amin.

On another note, I finally met up with Fadli yesterday! Bestie just got home from his strenuous field camp and hellyeahh he survived it. After the university open houses my girls, Syairah, Nita, Sakinah and I met up with Fadli to head to Marina for Garett's Caramel Crisp popcorn and Starbucks. Oh my~ Bestie was having orgasm just from all that plus Macdonalds. National service really fuels deprivation to the extreme level. Jeez. Then today he came over to Body Shop to visit before booking in. All the best for your 12 km march tomorrow bestie! x

Oh oh, and I havent been able to go too fb inbox for god knows why through my phone so so sorry for the late replies! I will get back to you soon, especially youu soon my distant confidante (:

"Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one
so that when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to be grateful for them."

be my prayer;

2011-03-04T10:20:00.000+08:00

Fourth of March feels alot like doomsday. Today shall be the release of A level results, the turning point of every college boy and girl. As I make my way to meet my girls before meeting the class to go to school together, a gazillion thoughts are scrambling through my head, and this is probably the one time that I want time to stop, or fast forward rapidly altogether.

Yesterday night was absurd. Tossing, and turning in my bed hearing the clock tick every second. Calls and texts kept my time filled, but the topic revolved around results and it made me sick. Though I am thankful the ones I need were right there with me. It was late before I finally fell asleep, but the eyebags now definitely tell the story.

In a matter of this 5 hours lives would change, and it's to a better path the one that I pray, if failure was to present itself in the most devastating way, it's going to be my biggest heartbreak in every way. Expectations are a catalyst to a more painful disappointment. And it is worsened by expectations of yourself and what others have of you. You are scared of disappointing our loved ones, but truth is disappointing yourself is the worst fear after all. That's why I believed in trying my best but expecting the worst, because Fate has its dirty ways to play on us.

So this is my Final Moment, of a normal life.

2011-02-28T20:41:00.003+08:00

I have just willingly sacrificed myself for the sake of taking good care of my sister. How? I've just bought tickets for Justin Bieber's concert for myself and my sister under my mommy's pressure. Fml.

2011-02-20T10:34:00.005+08:00

Insomnia's going to kill me one day when I least expext it. Each night insomnia takes me.up to four, five and it doesn't help that my body clock starts ringing its bells four hours later. In the day it doesn't tire me out but once fatigue sets in the built up exhaustion hits badly. Why oh why.

Things haven't been going well lately. Didn't even get to say goodbye to my gramps before they left. Wherever I turn everyone's at war heads, even I am caught in plenty. Sometimes perception creates wonders especially infused with imagination, otherwise, they always but create beautiful disasters. Harmless actions are perceived as life threatening, friendliness thought to be abusing a privilege, talking too much is now an act of loss of faith. All in all, ot only boils down to karma, and how you are afraid that it will knock the daylights out of you.

What else can I say~

That aside, I have been trying to log into formspring but I can't perhaps because my fs is connected to fb and I have already deactivated the latter. So don't mind if I answer really late, until I get access to fs.

2011-02-20T01:49:00.005+08:00

# Deactivated/deleted fb. Who knew fb could be a catalyst of judgement. Free to do what you want on fb now, yeah? Probably screw all my friends along the way. On a another note, will probably be activating only for assignment casting. No loss.

Could you list down 5 of your good guy friends, and why you chose to have them in your list? Also, among your girlfriends, name some whom you especially admire and respect, not for looks but in terms of character (:

2011-02-18T01:43:00.001+08:00

Boy that is hard, I have too many guy friends worth mentioning because they are all special in their own ways. I will try :/

Not in any order at all; The first good guy friend would be my bf, he knows me too well it's pretty scary. And he's the one who would push my hair out of my face, hold my face in his hands and tell me he knows I am not okay at all when I say I am. And he pampers me with too much love this guy. He always says the right things, and i, as stubborn as I am for god knows how aactually take his words into consideration.

Second would definitely be my bestfriend Fadli. He is one who stays on, even when others walk out. He is one who I can get hold of anytime of the day for whenever I need him. The best part is, he is just like me in a lot of ways and it's really cool too see ourselves in each other. Oh, except that he keeps wanting to straighten my curls-.-

Loic, the ever brilliantly smart and talented most matured boy I have ever known would definitely be in my list. Loic went home to Paris till April probably and I haven't talked to him for a while. He and I, we share the same understanding about family issues and he has always told me things that kept me going. He has been through a hell lot at a very tender age and there is nothing that you can't tell him and he won't understand. He is the greatest friend, and the greatest poet I know. Come back soon!!

Kevin would be next. This genius sleepyhead Korean made my day ever since we first knew each other. It's been awhile since we talked since he's not in Singapore right now but he is the kinda guy that every girl would wanna bring home. I remember how he would just sit and stare at me before I finally spill my guts. Not to mention the chocolates he feeds me with!

One guy friend I really would put in my list would be Luqman. Even though we haven't talked proper for a very long time, he is one to remember. He watched my back, always giving me super funny but meaningful opinions about the boys I dated previously, asking me the strangest questions and drew me Precious Moments with our names. He even made it a point to get his Dad to send me home with their sexy BM and boasted about how I was the first girl his Dad sent home -.- And finally this small boy grew up!

I know you said 5 but I swear I have many more worth mentioning. People like Asief, Ry, Ben, Nick, Hong Xun, rong yi, have all been awesome friends to me. Even saying that they are awesome would be an understatement.

Ever since I have had my girls with me, I have admired every single one of them. Their smiles and company alone never, ever fails to make my day.

One sweetheart I will always look up to will be my Joey. She has gone through far more than anyone else I know. Yet she grits her teeth and she's got nothing on her. We have tons of similarities between us, from family matters and such. And that is why I can always count on her anyday. She's beautiful inside out. Even when she's down, she makes sure she doesn't affect anyone else even though we are always here. Stubborn girl! (:

My Nuraznita Juke would also be one I always adore. This girl here is the best sweetheart I have known. The sweetest bacin girl who never fails to make everyone smiles. She cares about her friends and protects us fiercely. And she is just, the most innocent soul I know, and for that I really, really do admire her. Maybe even jealous. Jeez nita I really miss you.

My dearest Chelle would also be one I respect. This girl, has so much Love on her to offer she takes you away. She has her cute silly antics, but that's Chelle showing her love. She always puts others ahead of herself it gets on our nerves sometimes! And she is just so down to earth and very grounded, when she could probably buy jj :p

My lovely two, Sakinah and Syairah, you know, both of you darlings I can never get enough of? I have been friends with this 2 cousins since we were 13, and I respect them both with how we are always watching each other's backs and always saying the right things to each other. I always see the both of them as a unit, haha, bet I am not alone in this! :p

Not to mention my childhood cherrybombs, ever since we were tiny 6. I am pretty sure we will build a family together someday <3

Thank you for asking honey, you made me realise alot of things (:

Imperfect Information leads to Market Failure.

Oh cupid,

2011-02-15T01:45:00.001+08:00

Cupid shoots arrows into hearts as a reminder to us that Love hurts, whether or not Cupid missed his mark or nailed the sweetest spot. All the hype of Valentines' is getting on my nerves, and I would rather go to the Masquerade Party where nobody really cares if you will be coming alone because you will not be going off alone. Yet, even when some are not alone on this so called Love Fest Day, they never felt as lonely. God bless. Valentines' certainly overrated, and if there is any way for one to show Love it is through his natural actions on an everyday basis, not only through a one day occurance. Then again, maybe it's nice to at least rekindle a dying flame.

Valentines today has been okay, work filled my mind. He came for dinner, and he surprised me with his presence when I knocked off. Strange feeling I would say, on one hand I am contented, on the other I felt on the verge of breaking, and certainly it was a no wonder why. A bouquet today, a bracelet charm, a hand made wrislet and a necklace along with Made In Candy's Valentine's Limited Edition a few days ago. Too pretty for words, too fuzzy a feeling. Beautiful words strung and true affection in the eyes, but certainly flashbacks of history between the both of us didn't cease as hard as I tried. Once bitten twice shy but too many times. Ironic isn't it.
Nuff' said;

As of last weekend it was finally my Chingay performance. Somethings happened which are not worth mentioning, but Chingay wise it was a blast. The boys and girls were awesome and the crowd was wild and friendly. Made plenty of awesome friends who were there to make me smile and lend a shoulder to cry on. City Alive happened right after the second day of Chingay from 12 onwards and we partied till the wee hours of the morning. Best part os I had stiches while dancing -.- There were dance groups flown in from HK, Japan, Philippines and Singapore was represented by Styles From Beyond. The invited Djs also had wicked mash ups the whole night you never got bored. Street Dance Mixes are helluva awesome. Photos will be updated soon, promise.

I probably had 10 hours of sleep total from Friday till Sunday, from photoshoot on Friday morning at chinese garden then off to Chingay followed by second run on Saturday to City Alive. Boy am I awesome, no wonder the stiches lol. My pay this month all's spent on food and transport fares and massive cab fares no thanks to midnight surcharges. Aw boy am I gna miss Chingay ):

Well tht's that. Hope Vday was a blast to you my dearest readers(:

#Welcome to tekong this way please

2011-02-09T21:53:00.003+08:00

So bestie's gone for national service today, there goes my bestie ): Met him up yesterday for ice cream with Inah with his hair still looking oh so fly on his head and by night, after fadli went off for his date he came home as a botak tekong boy o.O Thank god he looks relatively good. Bet he's gna attract all the gays heh heh. All the best bestie! (: So hard when my best friend's goneeeee ):

Prior to the sacrificial act.

Boy_Botak_Fierce

Dear best friend, take good care of yourself and make sure you not only get buffer than you already are but taller too please! Hehe. Please do not get into any accidents please ah favour. You are the most accident prone person alive i know. And i shall see you in 2 weeks time hopefully! ooo

On another note, this coming weekend shall be Chingay then City Alive with the bf and the awesome boys and girls my favourite dancers. Can't wait for all the hype we have been practicing so hard for and all the fun that we are going to have that two nights/mornings! We are going to be under the Paym/Smoove Youth Empire Hip Hop Dance Team so be sure to catch us that night! Would love to update more but i'm still exhausted from work. Nevertheless thank you for still reading! (to the 167 readers i have left ): )

Happy Chinese New Year!

"at some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. leave them alone. walk away. it’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. it’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. what is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

iafcfdlog

2011-01-31T18:12:00.001+08:00

Feelings aren't tangible. So is Love. There isn't a way to express how much you love someone, which is why you end up saying " I love you so much", and insist it's infinite. Oh really?

Emotions are a wreck if you don't deal with it well. Especially so when you let your heart lead you instead of your mind. You give in, because you love, you give in because you care about the other one's feelings. Funny how when they say giving in makes you the real winner, the unsung hero, when in fact what i mean is when you give in you practically lose all that you have. All that you fought so strongly to uphold and protect. The most devastating is having to live with the fact that the soul you once placed so much high hopes in to help you protect what's important to you is the one that destroys it. The irony. Note to self; put yourself first honey, you've put others before yourself for too much already.

Sometimes things get so intense that you want to escape all of it. Running away from a problem is never a good idea but not when you want to protect yourself. Remember when we were young and mommy used to tell us don't talk to strangers and make sure you run as hard as you can away from that person Mommy used to call monster.

And then Mommy also told me to stick the one I love and not go on the rebound anymore. What must I do when they are not mutually exclusive? Mommy, you left out guiding me on this while you raised me. What do I do now Mom?

Stay because I love, or run because i'm scared?

Shooting Star~

2011-01-15T10:33:00.002+08:00

i thought nobody still reads this space hehe. But nevertheless i've lost 30 plus readers o.O Okay sorry for the lack of updates, and all the unanswered formspring. I'm getting busier + lazier.

Started work a week ago and have been soo caught up with it that even a day at home is a total luxury. The only thing that keeps me going is my hot dinner everyday sent my Love hehe.

i've gotten involved in Chingay with Smoove this year so that too has kept my schedule pretty packed. Talk about time management~ Bf's also in Chingay heh heh so i am having the time of my life. Nothing beats the feeling of doing something significant with someone so significant.

I know this is a super short update but i promise to post a proper one soon when i have my day off! Next week i'm gna be heading down to the kindergarten we once conducted a camp for as they are offering a teaching job for me. Omg kindergarten toddlers! (: (: (: This, if i choose this over TBS...

Got to go now! Chingay practice in a few hours and i've yet to sleep since yesterday no thanks to my severe insomnia. It's driving me nuts, with the eyebags and the exhausted feeling in the day oh boy. Hopefully can catch some shut eye later. G'day readers xx

all that glitters are not gold

2011-01-02T01:13:00.003+08:00

The year's came to an end faster than I thought it would be. In a matter of 12 months a great deal of events occured, and they all lead to a change of status quo. Most generic in everyone's being - falling in and out of love, adapting to a whole new surrounding, gaining new friendships and acquaintances, and losing some that are just too painful or tiring to keep up with. The only thing that you can't grow out of, or expect a change from is your very own family. Wishful thinking. Yet, if given a choice family ties would still sustain, through the bad weather. Though the truth is for some, the storm never ends.

One thing i'll miss most, is my schooling period. Earlier on I felt strong jealousy pangs and a sense of lost. Long gone are the days of tight skirts and oversized tops, the scramble to have new sneakers and satchels each year, the quiet time I had for myself few days before school starts because I would be engrossed reading up all the books, the dead beat feeling as I arrive in school every morning for assembly. Oh, and the joy of skipping classes. Haha. Through your high school is when you start gambling with love. The playful chase, the puppy love, the infatuation and admiration, and for some, a strongly vouched real love. At the end of it all, you realise you hardly know just what is real love after all. It seemed like summer all along, no odds were against you and even nature seemed to echo your contentment with its pleasant sounds accompanying your time together. You would learn to accept that when people do move on, it's not because you left or your other half left you, but Love itself, chose to present its demise.

Nuff' said, the new year is here as a challenge for us. Do what we fear most, cherish what we most treasure, and leave what is not worthwhile. Lesson learnt; once bitten twice shy.

Work's starting on Monday and hell yeah am I not prepared. It was such a short notice anyway >: My exhaustion from countdown + party, trip over to malaysia to fetch the best grandparents and attend a wedding today has yet to disappear. This afternoon granduncle asked what's my resolution. Good question, cos I didnt even think of it heh.

2010 was indeed a hell of a ride. We all knew trouble was coming imminently, when the great people of all times couldnt even decide how to term 2010. Twenty ten? Two thousand and ten? In the end people suited accordingly to how it sounded best to them. To me, great troubles over naming 2010 was already a huge allegory that symbolises 2010 not being a smooth year. And sure as hell it wasn't.

New year resolutions;

# Get into fass pretty please please please? /:
# Be less of a spendthrift, haha.
# Spend as much time as God allows me with my grandparents..
# Hang on to my famly even if it is falling apart..
# Be a more sensitive and kind hearted girl to the boy heh :p I would say love him with all my heart but I already do! (:
# Be a super awesome bestie to my bestie before romeo finds his juliet.
# Hang out with my lovely girlfriends even more often, just because. The boys are going to be faaaaaraway at some island or something so we have all the time to ourselves! xx
# Compile my poems and write waaay more! Oh where art thou my fantastic signior poet!
# Time management to be improvised. Favour ahhhh >:
# Make sure all my resolutions are achieved.

I need to sleep badly now /: eyebags during an event sure aint a pretty sight. Apologies for not updating and not answering fs questions except for some. Too much going on lately. But I promise i'll answer!sorry for not replying texts abd WhatsApps and answering calls ):

xx
Happy new year!
e>

Illya Nur Shafirul

2010-12-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

Bf steal my super sexy Red Ray Ban onlyyy >(

Morning breakfast + htht (:

Hi ♥,

remember Mount Faber? Where you teared up over your testament of your Love. Where you left me speechless, because no one did what you did for me ever before. No one took me away, literally and figuratively.

These 12 months have been everything but pure contentment. We've had more downfalls than the euphoria. We've had far more objections than a nod of approval. Yet we stuck through it all, we stayed despite the discontent.

I've hurt you countless of times, and my apologies are overrated. I'm blessed to have someone so patient and enduring as you, so willing to stretch your human limits to light up a smile on my face. Even if it hurts you.

Even when you wince inside as my eyes glaze over talking about the past. You assured me that even though you can't replace, you promised, that you'll be better. And Love, you no longer have to try so hard, because you've been doing just that all this while.

Your tolerance to how obstinate i am amazes me. You keep your cool when i lash out at you. You see through me and know i'm not okay when i insist i am. You know, and you always make me feel better whatever it takes. You pulled me up, you held my head up high when you know i was hitting rock bottom anytime soon.

Regardless of the past, you've accepted me for who i am. I've been the mistake, the rebound, the well kept secret, the trophy, the choice and once upon a time, the girlfriend. Regardless of it all, you welcomed me into your arms regardless of what i've become, and what i've been through.

This transparency in this relationship is what keeps me going. The long hours of heart to heart, the late night imaginative adventures, the strong telepathy that never seem to weaken..they all make me come back for more.

I love you, i love you so much. Thanks for not giving up on me even when i was tempted to do so. Thanks for showing me the path, to which i lost my way in. Thanks for the warm hugs when i felt so cold inside. Thanks for appearing on my phone, when i need you the most. Thanks for staying put, when i pushed you away. Thanks for all the silly antics, just to put a smile on my face. Thanks for the sacrifices, the joys and the pains.

Without sacrifices, the downfalls and the heartaches, never would i realise, how much you mean to me.

Happy 1 year anniversary boyfriend♥

I love you that much (:

2010-12-18T00:40:00.001+08:00

2010-12-17T16:39:00.002+08:00

Everything's a mess now when it comes to us.. Long gone are the days and nights of heart to heart that doesn't end in a fight. We start the morning bright, but we end our nights feeling a little fright. He loves too much for his own good, cares too much, thinks too much, worries too much. And i don't deserve all that for how i've been treating him.

Few more days to the 23rd. Few more days to determine. Whether this Love can overcome all difficulties. For what it's worth, i do miss you.

Oscar Night

2010-12-14T20:56:00.010+08:00

actually, i am too lazy to update hehe. I'm still in the holiday mood. (read:lazy) Went to check my stats and i'm surprised there's stil 147 of you reading so i'm going to be nice and update today!

alot has happened since i last updated, first up was prom then supposed to be butter fact but nah then vietnam trip. and i just came home the night before yesterday. Bad ending i must say ): i'll get to that.

Prom was beautiful, only thanks to the wonderful presence of my lovely friends. It was odd though, to see soooo many unfamiliar faces. I didn't even recognise one of the prom king nominees. Being involved in so many things made me know at least 3/4 of the school. But that night was just odd. i suppose, wearing real clothes instead of our uniform works wonders. Haha. Started getting ready at four plus while waiting for my dear date to fetch me an hour later. Did my own hair and make up. ahh i'm so proud of myself hehe. Then, it started to rain. So instead of my date making his grand entrance at my doorstep, Dad had to pick him up thanks to the rain =.=

My date arrived and had to get himself ready again after the long journey over so i ended up having to wait for my date.

Sheesh. So after a while,

And yes, my wonderful best friend was my date for prom (: Say awww =.=

Cabbed to Orchard Hotel and we parted ways to meet our own awesomes. From here, let the pictures do the talking (: Pictures are not in order though! And it's not even all the photos i took. Blogger is a bitchzz.

Say hi to Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. She paid us a visit! Hehe that's lovely Hannah for you!

This is my babyG, the one who never fails to make me laugh everytime.

Meet Miss Indonesia 2010, Miss Michelle (:

Her mere presence makes you want to smile already. Hehe.

Her heart's taken so stay away :p

This is my lovely Joey, the girl whom i respects so much because she's the strongest girl

i've ever met my whole life. And i'm glad to have known her,

because she makes me just as strong too (:

The super duper cute couple with 24238 babies.

Meet futuristic Wan Jun and Fadli (:

Wan Jun is adorable. Really. Within 5 minutes of talking to her,

you can already know what's her emotions,

who she misses, what she just ate, and which hot guy she just spotted.

Adorable!

Miss Joker 2010. No joke. She is mad hilarious!

Shi yu turned up for prom with her Ncc boots. Cool or whutt.

Little Miss Big Eyes! I don't like taking photos with her cause she makes my eyes smaller than

it already is! Grr. Sakinah Adam i still love you the same gorgeous bff (:

We haven't caught up lately, come back soon and you, i and your

irrits cousin shall hang out together soon :*

Annnn jayyyy. Nadia Panjang. Haha.

Nadia is too tall for her own good. Seriously.

Meet JJ's Prom Queen 2010!

my dearest Miss Alice. She, is just so so soooo cute. She deserves the title more

than anyone else with her lovable personality and her friendly smile. Even the host

fell in love with her personality that's just too cute hehe.

Lovely 09ao3

Here's my two awesome class buddies, Benedict and Hong Xun!

Benedict, is well, benedict. He blows you away with his end of the world theories,

and you will freak out when he freaks you out about the

endangered environment. He's also literally, a walking encyclopedia.

Especially when it comes to Singapore. You can count on him. Yet, he makes you laugh so hard

with his antics you never fail to miss his presence. Meet Mr Joker 2010.

The one on my arm is dearest Hong Xun, who is always so random when he is

in that mood. On the extreme end, he will get so serious and hardcore mugger mode.

Hong Xun is someone who's been through alot, and that makes

him the most matured man i know despite

his funny random antics.

Hats off to you (:

These are my lovely girls, Sakinah, Nita and Liyana.

Liy, who was so modelesque that night. Beautiful.

Ames! My camwhore partner on the piano that night hehe.

I love her cause she's so snappy with her comebacks, especially

to the annoying guys in class.

Captain John John

Asief Iqbal :D He always, always entertains me with his

hilarious anecdotes at the most unexpected times.

And he is a great great friend to have as well.

The girl whom he will date will be a suuuper lucky girl! (:

Say hi to my Rachel! She makes my day every single morning i see her during assembly.

She's this girlfriend i always wanted to have. And she has got everything

a man could ever ask for, brains and beauty(:

I remembered when we first knew each other,

we were like having a crush on each other hahaha.

Hi girlfriend i miss you!

This is Kevin Yoo. My korean boyfriend. He is always so annoying,

making his cute faces (okay la actually very cute), and always always

having indigestion. Koreans, when they are having

indigestion they have this practice of poking their fingers

to let blood flow to help relieve the indigestion as the blood flows. So since

he always has indigestion, we see him poking his fingers all the time.

Sigh Kevin, i miss you. He's already in India now. That guy travels everywhere ):

Don't even know if he's coming back to Singapore, cos i didn't

even get to say goodbye ):

Nicholas, on my right, is another handy walking encyclopedia. He churns out

information in a split second, with his base booming voice. Plus,

he's the sweetest boyfriend i know to his girlfriend, my dearest Li Ling (:

I'm bringing sexy back. Sheesh Jen!

Way to go to steal the show you Titanic's Rose!

my girls my girls make the stars look like they are not shining (:

And here, is my Nuraznita. The one who always, always says the right things

at the right time. She always knows when i'm having the worst time

of my life, or when i'm going through a rough patch. She's always there

to lend me her shoulder and i appreciate it.

I look up to this girl, she possess beautiful inherent qualities that many others

would agree with me. As overt and outgoing as she is,

she is reserved for things that are most sensitive.

Once bitten twice shy, i'll go after the guy who

breaks her heart in the future. But i trust my girl, to take good care

of herself as well(:

And last but not least, Fadli my date. He is still my bestfriend so

don't start having any ideas you people. Haha.

He looked good that night, but just as he refused to tell me how

i looked like, i refused to tell him how good he looked too.

We are annoying like that. haha.

Wanted to head to Butterfact but i wasn't in the mood too. I thought of the new jakun people who will club for the first time and how annoying the crowd will be and gave it a pass. Besides, gallivanting with the class was much a better idea after all. So we went out aimlessly out to town. But it wasn't soon before long that my back hurting got even worser. Cabbed home from town and when i reached home they were already sound asleep and asked why am i home so early. Sigh parents. You species are so confusing.

I'll update about Vietnam and the boy soon alright readers? Thanks for reading even when i hardly update. my bad :S

xoxo.

damn all these beautiful girls

2010-12-06T14:06:00.004+08:00

i'm mad psyched for tonight. where all the beautiful girls and the good looking guys will finally reveal themselves after being hidden in the brown sacks we've been donning for the past two years (read: school uniform) I'm most excited to meet these girls above (:

And my bestfriend who's coming to fetch me later! Bestfriend's been hilarious these days. Being more panicky than me for prom. And i'm the girl -.-

Went out with love yesteday, after so so long. Finally. A date where i didn't bring anything to study whilst out with him. Initial plan was to head down to studio cause he wanted to teach me the drums but it was closed. So went over downtown east to catch a movie first, but ended up staying there the whole day at pasir ris beach after the movie. Got into a tiny argument but it was okay. I got piggybacked out from pasir ris beach heh heh. " i love you bodoh" (:

#half a day more to Vietnam!

HIP HIP HOORAY!

2010-12-04T23:24:00.004+08:00

at this point of time, it's the fourth day after my last Alevel paper! how come it felt so long ago hehe. Hip hip hooray me! Ever since it's over, i know i've tried my best whatever it takes. Yet, i will expect the worst :/

Just like everyone else, once As are over everybody's in a frenzy to get their prom shopping out of the way so that they can shop freely and enjoy the days that now seem even way way more shorter than the days we had to study. But instead i went into a frenzy to shop for everything else except for prom stuff that made me panic this morning when i realized it's already saturday and prom's on monday.

So in my panicky moments, Mummy came into the rescue cause she just happened to bump into her friend recently who retails dresses and so she helped arrange with her to get me dress. By noon i had the choice of dresses emailed to me and i chose a super cute one (heh) and then sent my measurements for fitting and it was ready by the evening!

Went for a wedding reception first then headed over to collect it at the tailor's :)

Last few days i first met my beautiful girls Nita, Joey, Mic, Mabel, Gloria and oh, Joey's brother who came along to shoppe. We looked ridiculous carrying tons of shopping bags hehe. Yesterday went over to Tamp to collect my new f3 card yessahhh. Wanted to go to town but i realized Tampines is already like a suburb version of town. What with Topshop and NewLook and Uniqlo all in one building. There's even a Hershey's store! Coolio~ So stayed at Tamp the whole afternoon to shop and had dinner at Secret Recipe for the sake of their awesome cheesecake. I ate 2 cheesecakes. And if that wasn't enough i even went home with a bag of famous amos's butterscotch. Sheesh. People are dieting prior to prom and here i am making a glutton of myself.

I'm a happy girl now. (despite spending 200++ in a matter of 4 days :S ). Yet, i deserve a slap. Now that i'm broke. Hopefully Daddy sponsors my expenses in Vietnam hehe.

Tomorrow will be a day with love then i'll have to head home early to pack for Vietnam already since i'm going off the day after prom. Just not too sure about what time's my flight though. If it's early i would have to forgo post prom at ButterFact. Actually i'm not too hung up on ButterFact. Can always go there any other time. Initially it was just Aj and Jj but apparently 2 other Jcs are joining us so with the crowd i'm just too lazy already haha. Supposed to meet dearest Ellai over there but i guess if i'm not going she's not going either?

I just can't help thinking who came up with the stupid idea of clubbing after prom =.= What with all our glitzy prom dresses and the guys decked in suits, blazers and what not?? The thought of it alone is ludicrous enough haha. See what's the atmosphere after prom will be like then(: Especially if my back already starts hurting...bye byeee ButterFact!

Alright i'm going to hit the sheets already! Mad sleepy after consecutive nights of movie marathon-ing; Radit&Jani, ToothFairy,VampireDiaries episodes, Angels&Demons(again!), RememberMe,A Walk to Remember (again!) and yada yada. Still tons of movies for me to catch up on. Goodnight beautiful people!

2010-12-04T13:23:00.001+08:00

i'm mad busy now so hang on for a while okay! will answer the fs questions by today, pinky promise! dont call me a meanie ):

2010-11-26T19:06:00.002+08:00

my throat hurts, my lungs burn, my head throbs, my ulcers are the worst. I couldn't even focus in Lit when that's usually an effortless subject. This, i really, really have a bad feeling about. I hope, mighty mighty hope it's just flu or a sore throat. And that my lung+respiratory infection isn't back. dear God, please?

#lesson learnt

2010-11-25T12:32:00.004+08:00

Today's my younger sister's psle results day and she just called me telling me about her results. AND SHE GOT HIGHER THAN ME LA NYEH. Serves me right for abandoning my books after psle prelims just because i did well. Sheesh. Lesson learnt ifah #

I'm pretty sure the fam's going out later to celebrate whilst i'll be stuck at home with Shakespeare, Defoe and Winterson. ):

I'm elated that Adik did really well but i can't help feeling a teeny tinge of jealousy and regret. Tsk, to think i'm so affected when that happened when i was still 12 -.- 6 years already ifah, move on eh favour.

Oh did i mention that my flu and sore throat is making my voice sound like a rocker chick? \m/

It's frustrating to sound so nasty in the morning answering some calls. (grumble grumble)

Alright i'm gna have my brunch now and back to hit the books! 2 more papers left and hello to life! (:

11th

2010-11-24T16:49:00.002+08:00

"Eleven months with you have been months of loneliness, sadness, tears and sleepless nights. Loneliness when you're not by my side, sadness when you're in a discomfort from your pains and problems, tears of joy and contentment when i realise how blessed i am, and sleepless nights because finally, my reality is better than my fairytale dreams. To be in love with you is a challenge, but it's a challenge i would do over and over again. "

Xoxo.

2010-11-20T14:49:00.002+08:00

Stages of Dementia

VI. Severe cognitive decline: It is the next to the last stage and is also called moderately severe or mid-stage of dementia with memory difficulties continuing to worsen, personality changes emerging substantially and the patients requiring a considerable amount of help for carrying out their day-to-day activities. The following symptoms are observed in the patients:

The patient loses track of some of the most recent experiences, events and even their surroundings. The patient cannot recall personal history exactly, though she/he can recall her/his name perfectly. The patient can distinguish familiar faces from unfamiliar faces.
The patient requires help to dress appropriately, since they tend to create errors such as wearing shoes on the wrong feet etc.,
The patient experiences a disturbance in normal sleep/waking cycle.
The patient would require the help for handling details of toileting such as flushing toilet, wiping and proper disposal of tissue paper.
There are increasing episodes of urinary or fecal incontinence.
Changes in behavior including suspicion and delusions such as suspecting the care giver as an impostor, hallucinations, repetitive behavior such as hand wringing etc.,
The patient tends to wander and become lost.

just don't forget me please grandad? my heart breaks as i see you slowly disintegrating into a world so foreign.. I miss you Abah. You brought me up for a good part of my childhood life. You wanted to see me successful in the future. So hang on please Abah? What i'm doing, i'm doing it for you. I really miss you..

i learnt to live half a live

2010-11-15T15:30:00.007+08:00

So it was lit paper 1 today. Overall it was relatively okay but i'm just not confident about the comparison of poems section, which is ironic since i write poems all the time. The poems shared the similar topic of Hopeful Love. Familiar much?

My body is pretty nasty to me today. My back's hurting way more than it usually does and it doesn't help that i pulled my calve muscle without any rhyme nor reason. Been limping around ever since saturday evening with the date. Why is my body betraying me! tsk~

I've been caught up lately with strange thoughts in my head. Dreams intertwining with nightmares. Body wanting to sleep but my mind still wide awake. This in betweens had me thinking alot lately. It's been raining everyday, the perfect setting for a time of my own after the day winds down. Hearing the patter of rain drops on the window panes accompanied my thoughts when i woke up with a jolt from the nightmares i've been having. Strange thing is, i don't exactly recall what are they all about. I just remember waking up feeling really, really scared.

As if on cue, the skies just released it showers again.

Why is it that people are always saying that life is short and hence using it as a rationale for their hedonistic lifestyles? It is ironic when they say that, because in reality life is the longest thing we will ever have. Then again, it works both ways.

At this very point of time, all i ask for is a short escape from the whirls and demands of the wide world. It would be nice if all i could do now is take a breather by the greens basking in the warmth of the sun and do nothing, nothing at all except be pre-occupied with my own senseless thoughts.

When i'm done resolving the issues i have with myself, perhaps i can get back to how i've always been. I miss the beauty of quality time. Be it with my sister, the family, friends and with love.

I truly miss late night chats with my sister and our little girly time of dressing up and of course, doing what we do best together. In the name of Sports.

With love, it's a different matter altogether. I miss going on dates with him since he's always so mischievous with the surprises he has up his sleeves. I am a sucker for surprises. Aren't we all girls?

Sometimes, i'm just so mad at myself that i've fallen so hard for a guy. I once made a promise to myself never to do so. Our story is not a fairytale story like i once had. Yet, he never fails to make me the princess. As long as the heart's in it, we'll fight through this even if no one else can makes sense out of it. She told him once, as long as he never gives up, She will fight even harder.

This is the belief i've held firmly so strong for so long. Boys chide me for this belief, they were fighting a lost cause. Girls scorn me, they thought i just couldn't deal with the pain. Here's the thing, this very belief is the one that kept me protected. That kept me safe. You wondered why am i guarded, and with Taylor's Swift's Mine you figured out why.

That is, until i allowed myself to falter with him. And as of now, it's safe to say that i dont regret my complete turn in my personal belief. After all, God's just enough to create wise boys too.

And Wise Boys, they fall in love and they listen to the words unsaid. And when the Wise Girls leave because of the promise they make to themselves, Wise Boys are astute enough to go after the girls and assure her that she never has to live by Monroe's words because a situation like that will never happen between a Wise Girl and a Wise Boy.

\m/

2010-11-11T21:41:00.004+08:00

As of today I'm done with Maths for the rest of my life. I love maths :( it's the only subject where you know you can get A and it's not subjected to the marker's taste and preferences unlike all the other Arts subjects we take. Today's paper was relatively okay. There was one question that was the hardest.

Hardest to swallow the heartpain that followed it rather. It was to find the freaking area of a freaking triangle and we couldn't, for the sweet love of God, formulate the working to arrive to the answer given and we even had the cheek to look around for someone to ask whether there was anything wrong in the question. I mean, come on, it's area of triangle for crying out loud. What's so hard about it if we can tackle harder statistics questions right? Little did we remember, the wonders of pythagoras theorem.

T.T

It's depressing to think that an area of triangle was the cause of our downfall. Sigh. Overall the paper was okay though. Good luck to me. Wonder what shall i do with my 180bucks calculator now. Or isit 160? Either way i've to find someone to sell it too. Question is, who. On second thoughts, i better not. Just in case i've to do this again. Touch wood.

Left with Literature, Econs and HumanGeog Paper and we are good to go live our life we abandoned almost two years ago. Can't wait to spend time with <3,>

Oh btw, check out the video above. You can drag it in any direction that you want. It's in 360 degrees! Dopeshit~

2010-11-10T14:40:00.002+08:00

I bought P.OSH toasted marshmallow brownies and Latte Machiatto. Then i went back again, to buy triple chocolate brownies. Today was GP paper. Made the link yet?

1 down~ !

2010-11-09T12:02:00.004+08:00

Physical Geog paper's over; One down, a gazillion more to go. I forgot to take my full dosage of painkillers+medicines+what not before my paper and so my back was dying. Couldn't even take a breather cos it was writing all the way till the invigilator said pens down. Even then, i was still scrambling to finish off my sentence. At the speed i'm writing i think i can be a journalist.

All that i i hoped for came out, thank goodness. Just hope that i nailed the points although i didn't manage to complete part of a Drq question. Boo.

Caught up with my dearests after paper then headed over to his school to study. Got into a slight tiff because of the annoying people there which got him pissed. What's new~

Tomorrow's GP! THE killer, our greatest nemesis :<>

The day before my Geog paper boy, was i restless because i was too nervous. Stayed at home the entire day after going for breakfast and yet i showered thrice, read my notes while walking around the house and at like 9 at night i picked up the phone and ordered Pizza Hut Cheesy 7 (!!!) with Daddy's card. It waa until i ended the call that i realised what i just did-.- It came super late and i was super pissed. It turned out that the rider got into an accident because of the mad heavy rain. He's hospitalised now. Talk about guilt :( So when the pizza finally arrived i ate barely a slice cause i just felt beyond guilty.

Guilt + Nervousness = A long sleepless night. Right before my geog paper! sheesh. Managed to catch some shut eye otw to school though. I wasn't even sure what i was texting to my close friends who were wishing me luck haha. Hopefully tonight, i sleep safe and soundly.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. -Steve Prefontaine

2010-11-06T18:41:00.002+08:00

At night when the stars

light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon

Try to get to You

In hopes you're on

the other side

Talking to me too

Or Am I a fool

who sits alone

Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like

I'm famous

The talk of the town

They say

I've gone mad

Yeah

I've gone mad

But they don't know

what I know

Cause when the

sun goes down

someone's talking back

Yeah

They're talking back

2010-11-05T14:56:00.002+08:00

honestly, im no longer psyched. i just want to get this done and over with. Getting my b&j with ♥ after my first paper on monday. I'm exhausted. Emotionally.

2010-11-04T22:22:00.003+08:00

This big and immaculately designed place is not fit to be called home. Beautiful on the eyes, hell's in it. Few more hours to my papers and bullshit to the support and warmth that i'm supposed to be getting from a so called 'family'. 18 years i grow up with this bullshit. Pleasantries are a damn big lie. Damn big lie. My grandparents used to be there for me. What next then? Maybe i'm just a mix up in this damn big lie. So much for all that fucking fake fronts. Let's see who's going to have the last laugh.

because i love you (:

2010-11-03T11:26:00.004+08:00

Happy birthday to my one and only man,

With all my love for you on this special night.

There's so many things i want to say if i might,

But perhaps it's better to see your smile,

which lights up my darkest hours,

Even in my bad dreams in the forests.

To me you're the place where i can stay,

In that heart of yours with your very sweet way,

Almost a year i feel your affection,

Yet i crave for more cause you're my only attraction.

A year has passed in a blink of an eye,

A year of tears, laughters and love.

But there's one thing you can't say goodbye.

And that's me and all my love.

This birthday i hope is one you'll remember.

Locked deep in your heart through every new year,

You're that special to me my dear,

You're the one i want for longer than forever.

Romeo and Juliet once told me,

That forbidden love in indeed true love,

And so i am blessed to have you with me,

To fight this touch battle of everlasting love.l

A new year's ahead of you,

A year of many more than just i love you,

I hope I'll always make you happy,

Cause i feel that you've been always meant for me.

Happy 19th sweetheart♥

iloveyou.

smart pants

2010-11-01T19:59:00.003+08:00

♥ just told me he's in the top 3 percent of his cohort. A term ago, he was the top 3. Having a smarter date is something so foreign to me haha. Now i feel insecure damnit. He was saying that as a reward i should accept him as my boyfriend. HAH nice try bi :p But nevertheless, Congratulations ♥! I remember telling Dad when i was still talking to him, about when ♥ got his scholarship. My DAD, MY OWN DAD said he's an example i ought to follow. Like what upppp. How strange is that. But that was way before my parents started disliking him thanks to morons. Morons. I'll find you guys one day i'll find you guys.

♥'s turning 19 on wednesday and I, being the super busy date didn't even prepare anything. I deserve to be shot. Sorry ♥, we'll celebrate mine and yours together after my As k? I remembered asking him what he wants and all he said was, "The best birthday present for me really, is to see you happy."

*heart melts.

Okay bye i've to do maths now. I want to be top in something tooooo.

8 days for the love of God

2010-10-31T17:18:00.003+08:00

Things haven't been smooth sailing lately, and it doesn't help that As is really in a few hours time. Family's still as..yeah. And i haven't been seeing my friends and the boy for 2 days:( Still, i need my therapy and that's = blogging. As of now, since im broke, blogging > shopping.

I haven't been sleeping well and thus looking more and more like a zombie. Which is perfect especially more so for today since it's Halloween. Ben was like, " You can go out and scare people now. No need costume or make up cause we're all zombies now." I KNOW RIGHT~

1 more month to freedom! But,

8 MORE DAYS to damnation.

Sheesh. Yesterday as per usual, slept really late from studying. Thought i could have a good chat with the boy till i fell asleep but we had a little argument. Simply said, it didn't end well and we didn't even wish each other goodnight. This time round it was really different because he has never failed to wish me goodnight no matter how mad he was with me. But it just ended with a "Go sleep then". Yet again, i couldn't sleep perhaps because i passed that "golden hour" of sleeping. This morning i thought we would make up just like we always do, but he gave me the coldest treatment ever.

See, this argument was actually about how hurt he's been feeling getting the harsh treatment from my Mum suddenly, but i was trying to convince him that it's really because she's mad and frustrated over what people have been saying and what she has been led to believe. Clearly, he thought that i was just trying to make him feel better.

So this whole morning and i got the coldest of treatment and inside i really thought that well..i wouldn't be surprised if he plans on giving up soon. It's a hard battle going for someone whose family is not accepting at all. I understand. Truth was, i was already anticipating THE very words. I've been through that pre-break up stage before, i know how it works.

Suddenly he told me that he's made up his mind and yeah, i just told him that i'm all ears, half expecting the worse.

"I decided to leave you as my date.. and instead make you my girlfriend, to go through all this with you no matter what comes our way. I don't want you to be alone."

Please tell me that i've no reason to be mad at him? PFFFT. One whole morning he gave me the silent treatment and i thought it's gna end today. jeez. Trust him to do this to meeeee. Illya Nur Shafirul i hatechiuuuu(read : iloveyou idiot). I was mad because in my head there were already a gazillion thoughts roaming and i was already thinking of how thoughtless he is to leave me hours before my As. And then he dropped that kind of bombshell. Of course im elated that it's not what i thought it is but still!

Nevertheless, we aren't together, yet. He very well knows i'm never going to accept him right now heh heh. So yeah, apparently that was just a hint. I know you too well silly. But i still love you the same xx

Awkay back to my Shakespeare<3

you're what im fighting for

2010-10-29T18:00:00.004+08:00

i'm going through what i've been through before yet again. Just what is it that people have against me being happy with someone? The last time it happened, my other one gave up on it because it was getting too hard, and i let go of it eventually. This time that it is happening again, i'm not gna let it go again. I can't. I don't want to. Ten months with him has made me happier, so much happier than i have ever been. And then just like that you want me to let it go all over again? Hell no. I had enough of all this bullshit. 2 years ago i let go of a 4 year relationship just because some morons didnt like to see me happy and decided to get my parents involved. This time, mark my words that i won't give up on this relationship that i am having now just because there are people who are not happy. I am happy, and that's all that matters. I dont care if no one can make sense out of it. My friends who know, know how much of a real deal this is, and i have them to fall back on. Just what has he done wrong to you? He's made me happy when no one was there. He wiped my tears when i burst crying in the public. He made a pact with me to be closer to God. He supported my financially and emotionally. He gave me back the hope that i could fall in love all over again. He waited patiently for me to get over my last relationship. He stays up late so that im not alone when i study at night. He sheds tears seeing me in pain. He feels touched when i do little things that i thought were insignificant. To him, it means the world. He wants me to be happy. And i am.

Please don't take this away from me all over again... please don't. I can't go through it one more time. I don't even know how long can he stay with me. But until then, let me feel his love God. Let me be the one who makes him happy too. I'm tired of letting go. It's time for me to be selfish and seek what i want. No matter who says No.

2010-10-29T14:09:00.004+08:00

i wna watch my himym but the streaming is going bonkers out of a sudden. just when i need my 20 minutes fix :(

today is stay home friday. Been going out everyday (to study!) and im broke now. Hence the home study session which i foresee will be less productive. Just look at what im doing now. Thank god i deactivated facebook.

Then again, i hate staying at home. On second thoughts, i hate home.

lesser of 2 evils

2010-10-27T09:01:00.003+08:00

HI SYAIRAH IM WAITING FOR YOU TO WAKE UP krrrrrr.

there's gp mock exam later, and im contemplating if i should go since my back is mad hurting. to take those 2 papers im gna waste probably 6 to 7 hours of travelling to and fro plus the amount of time to take the paper. now that i think about it, i've decided not to go then. back injury, i hate you so damn much. you've ruined my life and it sucks even more cause i don't even know since when you are there and why the hell are you there. you're probably more loyal than any of my boyfriends cos you've stucked with me for over 2 years throughout my days and nights and in everything that i do. and you never fail to make your presence known. not only to me but to everyone around me. how does it feel like huh, back injury, to have many different hands caressing and massaging you all the time? annoying much you stupid back injury.

damn it. i personified my back injury.

so okay, i shall text my tutor after this, I'm gna head over to syairah's school instead. It's the lesser of two evils see. my back is gna hurt as much from studying the whole day today but it's better than the pain from travelling especially when i dont get a seat in the train for the entire journey from kovan to boon lay! vagiafvnav. Jeez. dear bi, if you're reading this, i kinda think i'm desperate for you to give me a ride to school. then again, i have phobia of riding :S oh bi? take your driving license ah kay? okay i love you bye.

11 more days to As. and i'm quite psyched :)

dearest bestfriend:)

2010-10-23T13:08:00.004+08:00

okay im too lazy to answer the rest of the formspring questions heh so wait okay oxo.

so yesterday was syairah's first art exhibition, showcasing all their works for the Alevel Art Paper. and boy, did they make me miss art so so bad :( syairah did and awesome beautiful piece about the tumultuous process of growing up under the pressure of the education system. her mum and her little sister is also part of the piece as she painted them on her installation piece. her artpiece is an installation art, not the normal canvas painting. her dearest art mates too did an awesome job, and i enjoyed getting in touch back with the artistic streak in me hehe. mariam and i came over, and inah couldn't make it cos she was having her maths mock exam at school.

dear syairah, i know times are tough now because of a very huge irritant and insensitive being. but i want you to prove to that being that your're not affected in the least bit okay?as compared to my issues yours is relatively mild and if i can pull myself up i want you to do the same for yourself too. be glad that you're doing much much better than that being, and throw him off his guards by doing well in your As. you can do this baby. Know that you deserve better, and he has got nothing on you. You're beautiful inside out, let's just put him as a mistake that you never wanted to make. we are still too young to know who's really the one for us, so never beat yourself up over the false hopes that he once gave. he's the big timer loser, hands down. i'll be here if you need me ♥, and we'll study hard together k! (at your school weeee) Love you babe, be strong :)

my lungs are hurting so bad from the stupid haze. damnit. i dont want to get pumped again!

dear illya nur shafirul

2010-10-22T13:00:00.002+08:00

hi ♥, tmr's the 23rd. Happy 10th monthsary to you :)

this month has been a tad too rough for us, with you away for a long time and the issues that i was facing caused me to push you away, just because i dont want you to feel the burden. but i suppose, you gave me that emotional support instead. which is what i really really appreciate.

the upcoming months there will be even harsher emotional roller coasters, but i know, we'll always make it through, like we always do.

♥ you, xoxo.

2010-10-19T11:34:00.002+08:00

im gna delete my tagboard cos i havent been able to see it in the recent weeks. i think i missed out on some codes or sth when adjusted my post width. and i dont rmb my cbox password for nuts. maybe should reactivate back formspring? crap, i dont rmb the pass either. the last time i knew i still had some pending questions :( i shall figure out the pass but meanwhile, i will go delete my tagboard. i created it in sec 2 i think. oh boy.. i remember all the drama on my tagboard. im gna have lunch by the laptop and get back to econs and then maths after this. byexzx.

where they go hardcore and there's glitter on the floor

2010-10-18T18:07:00.003+08:00

reward no. 1 : Vietnam gallivant

reward no. 2 : a very special date with ♥ heh heh

reward no. 3 : dating my ♥ without the need to set time aside to study :D

reward no. 4 : shopping marathons with bestie again, without setting time aside to study <333

reward no. 5 : more moola weeee

reward no. 6 : outings with my cherrybombs + my favourite 2 girls syairah and sakinah♥♥

reward no. 7 : baking sessions with the girls :)))

reward no. 8 : luxury of time with the family ♥♥

reward no. 9 : SLEEP, aw this should have been the first!

reward no. 10 : to be able to get even more rewards

at this point of time, im pretty psyched to do my A levels. let's get this done and over with! :))

can't wait to get those rewards that still seem sooo far fetched. im gna be sad though when joey goes off for her ship and michelle goes back. please dont.. ? :'(

2010-10-17T12:25:00.002+08:00

reality check; about 20 more days to no mercy. 2o more days till life takes a new turn. 20 more days till our lives get a tad bit happier after each paper.

jeez, who am i kidding.

it's raining mercilessly, ruining my plans to meet fadli for our routine mugging hours. guess it's stay home sunday today. this week was the last week of school. THE LAST WEEK OF MY JC LIFE! :(((( the night before i was on the verge of tears talking to the girls and texting. how time flies..

i cant post a melancholic farewell post cause it's seriously not the time. technically, nothing's over yet, right? in fact, our own journey as individuals has just started. prelim results was especially bad, since for the very first time i scored nil for lit as i didnt take the paper on the very day. my maths marks were also not edited even though it's supposed to be -.- but after my own calculations i did pretty decent overall. though it sure sucks to have a miserable looking result slip :(

after school was out the class went for our farewell dinner. i forgot im supposed to meet the boy for dinner so ended up letting him come along to meet the class.

all that aside, some major issues just occured recently amongst my group of friends. discovering one's hideous character that was so cunningly obscured, learning of how you've been led to trust a deceiving character.... made to trust someone who just deserves your scorns. what has the world become.

i should probably get back to doing maths. i hate random rants.

2010-10-14T18:09:00.002+08:00

-iifahsummerair.tumblr.com

we can't control the challenges that we are facing.

but we can control just how we deal with them.

im not gna get wasted.

on a sidenote, i cant express how much i hate people who drink. i hate you with all my guts.

301th

2010-10-09T14:17:00.004+08:00

it's been quite some time since i last updated; no wonder the drastic fall in number of readers. sorry about that. and no wonder nuffnang earnings dropped too. please do continue clicking on the ads:)

reason ive not updated as frequent as before has alot to do with the issues occurring lately. i dont wish to elaborate, just because. sometimes, when you think that you've reached the point of satisfaction and happiness in life, some things occur that just make you fall hard to the ground. at times, those occurrences doesnt even affect you directly, but because you have a large compassion and affection for those hit by it, indirectly, you're a hard-hit victim too. it's harder dealing with this because for one, you didn't see it coming at all. secondly, there could have been a better timing for you to deal with these challenges.

i've tried, and failed miserably. i crumbled and revealed my very weakness, to the ones that've vouched to be there for me no matter what. and i can't express how much that means to me. Someone once told me that friends can only worry for you and comfort you as much as they can, but at the end of the day you've only yourself to depend on. You've only yourself to pull together. no one else can do it for you. a good friend once told me; "You're the strongest girl i know, so remember, never get defeated."

i won't give up, even when the world gives up on me.

at this point of time, i'm blessed to have this group of friends with me. they were the ones who steered me back to the right direction and always encourage me never to give up even though the problems are getting larger than life.

the boy has been away for two weeks only, but those 2 weeks was when i fell. not because i missed him so, far from that. i don't blame him for finding it difficult to understand my behaviour and antics now. i don't blame him if one day he finds that im becoming increasingly distant from him. i'll make it up to you one day illya, i will. for now, im really sorry if things are more messed up than ever. you don't deserve all this. i promised you that everything will be just fine when you went off last 2 weeks, but i had to break that very promise. im really sorry everything's screwed up. i really am.

i guess, there is a good thing that happened out of all this. im becoming much more stronger. i did crumble in the beginning, i did let myself go and was on the verge of giving up. but after talking to some people, i realise i can't. thanks alot to my tutor, lit tutor and my counselor whom i recently got in touch back with again. and of course, my dear friends. my family is really clueless about what's going with me because i just don't want them to worry. they've enough burden to deal with.

i believe in God's ways. i believe he has a reason for all these challenges He's put upon my shoulders. i believe He will help me out through this. i believe He's the one who knows everything. yang maha mengetahui.

300th

2010-10-03T12:49:00.003+08:00

i did it. deactivated my fb. that was my goal for eons, but its only now that i finally accomplished that simple, yet burdened task. so sorry for the hiatus, but ill be back after As(hopefully).

The war of two worlds, who do you choose? The one that assures you of a better future despite catastrophes along the way, or the one that feeds you euphoria every single moment of your present life, but can't assure you in the least bit that perhaps, a good future awaits you. We are young, we are supposed to be carefree and live through moments of happiness before the real life comes knocking. Truth is, this ideals would never come true.

It's at this young age where we learn so much. We learn the concepts of survival, we learn the pain of a heartbreak, we learn to grit our teeth despite the anguish, we learn that we live in masquerades on our faces all the time.

They say, the one who suffers the most is the one who suffers in silence. That's the thing about being strong, no one stops to check if you're ever hurt. They expect, they trust that you are strong enough to pick yourself up whenever you falter. They think, that you are never too weak to face problems all by yourself even when you lament to them just how hard life is for you. They brush your sighs aside, tell you to take a break. When in actual fact, they hardly stop to think that you are a human after all.

In this world where it is every man for himself, Darwin must be proud that his theory still stands. Way much stronger than it has ever been. Something about revealing how weak you really are, it scares people off. It scares them because if they see someone they perceive as strong willed falter, then there isn't much hope for them left. But here's the thing, everyone is strong inside. It takes adversities to force that strength out. It is in times of distress that you really need someone else to tell you that, "hey baby, everything will turn out fine okay sweetheart? Cry yourself out, ill always be here for you even when no one else is." It is in times of lugubriousness that you need someone to tell you dont have to deal with everything yourself. Because there's the mighty God above, and his angels helping him out here.

It's strange, because i dont see that coming anymore.

4

2010-10-01T00:01:00.001+08:00

“This goes out to all the people who have been broken, but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt like they would never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t a part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have so much tired to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured. For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most time it’s better just to let go. We’ll get our happy ending someday.”

fuckyeahlegal-not a big deal psh

2010-09-28T22:33:00.002+08:00

10 more days till his return, :(

but that too, equals ten days of full fledged studying without my biggest distraction. yezzz.

turning legal recently hasnt meant much to me. yet, maybe. but the day that i turned legal was beyond eventful i must say. a large part of it involved my bestie, the noisy bunch, family and ♥. im not too inclined on sharing any details, just because. let's just it all ended relatively well despite a bad and rough, rough start. i was at warheads with bestie because of some people and was almost on the verge of arguing with ♥. but partly due to divine intervention and because of a discovery of an intentional argument, finally everything came to a good end. nothing beats celebrating with your family and friends. although i needed some time alone when everything ended.

the next day was celebration with ♥ and his family. sadly, it was also in conjunction with his departure to china. but i was really touched by his family's efforts at making me feel really special (: initially i went over to his crib with the genuine mindset that im helping him to pack or what not. it turned out to be a surprise from his family:)

this 2 weeks will be late hours in school to study so dont mind if ill be updating later than usual. slowly, but surely:)

2010-09-22T17:54:00.003+08:00

it's strange how we are all good at pretending. pretending once we step out of the house. congratulations mum, dad, im awed at how you both are able to hide the fact that our family is hardly a family anymore. just look at the picture above, and look at the rest of my hari raya photos. they call us, the beautiful family. if only they knew, how ugly things are at home. whatever pretense you guys are doing, i dont really care anymore. because im able to see through you. im matured enough to know that at the rate things are going, we are just running into a dead end. now it's just a marathon to see how long are we able to last through this shit. only difference is, once the marathon comes to an end , so is the "family".

i know im not supposed to speak ill of my own family. but im tired of pretending. im tired of having to sit through conversations with friends who are always telling me about their recent family outings. im tired of pretending im happy at home. im tired of how lifeless, how silent my house is even when everyone's around. and im tired of being the brunt of my parents lashings. just because its convenient for them to vent on me. im tired of having to lie to my grandparents and relatives about how things are at home. im tired of holding back my tears because crying is only a weakness. im tired of having to tell friends not to come to my house when they want to hang out because i hate for them to see that family has fallen apart. im tired of this bullshit.

the only reason why im staying strong is only because i dont want my little sister to go through the same shit as i do. she's so young and so pampered, she will never know how to deal with this. at the end of the day, we only have each other to depend on. not friends who would never understand but pretend they do.

2010-09-20T23:39:00.001+08:00

hari raya with ♥

2010-09-20T22:26:00.005+08:00

friday evening, after much persuasion and after i felt better from my migraine, the boy fetched me to go over to his house whilst he got ready to bring me to meet his gramps :| yes, for both sides. went over with him and angela and us girls chatted with mama while waiting for the princess to get ready. as per usual, he takes his own sweet time tsk.

soon after, we accompanied angela off to her station then we continued our journey to his first grandad's house. being the ever spontaneous and uber cool grandaddy, them two boys started singing their hearts out and dancing with Tokba's state of the art karaoke/audio system. and as per normal, he sang the Ungu songs that i love ♥. did i mention that Tokba said he wants to take me as his granddaughter even if nothing happens between me and the boy? :)

we then made our way to his other grandparents' house; the grandparents who always never fail to remind me of my very own grandparents. talking to his grandmummy was very enlightening for i learned that she was very in favour of what we have and she gave her blessings. obviously he got very excited but i insist that we had nothing. yet. and it's true! grr. so she advised us to guide each other when one falters and always remember that we've to work hard now to have a good future together. we then reminisced about his late dad, as grandmum brought out his photos and they told me all about him. the guitar that his late dad used to play is still hanging in that very house, with 4 strings. but i guess, you can still play with broken strings.

his grandaddy is rather weak physically but very very strong mentally and emotionally. i still remember the widest smile he gave me the first time he saw me walking over to him a few months back. although weak and lying down, he tried his mighty best to touch my hand and face and gosh, i was just so happy to bring a smile to his face. during this particular visit, as the maid rolled him out on the wheelchair, he turned his head fervently with his teethy smile to look at the both of us. oh no, i miss my grandaddy now :'(

after that we headed to Simei because i had an open house to attend and i was already running late. reached like star karat, as per normal. he accompanied me until daddy picked me up at the station.

i guess, the visits went better than i thought it would be. ive met all of them before, his mum, his maternal granddaddy and his paternal grandparents but it wasnt as nerve-wrecking as it was this friday. primarily because for someone to bring another someone over to meet the fockers during hari raya is a hell of a big deal and also because it finally dawns upon me that they've already accepted me as part of their family. not that this is foreign to me but suddenly, everything feals real. and it's kinda scary that it is. in a good way. oh what am i saying. this is the first time that someone im seeing brings me to meet his mum and grandparents formally, introducing me as someone that plays a large part in his life. that, is really whutttt. i have met past boyfriends' parents, but it was like a short meet up or with a large group of people. but to sit under one roof with the fockers and the boy.. oh boy, my inner most thoughts were just "omg am i reaaaally doing this!"

all in all, lets just say that i did enjoy myself very much, and i feel really blessed to know that these important people are the ones who have my back :)

speaking of the boy, it's gna be 5 more days till he leaves for China for his attachment. why are all the aerospace/aeronautical people going to China this month whyy. it's gna be different without him here, really different. i dont even feel like celebrating my birthday with his hiatus rah. please dont pm me at night cos ill be either on the phone or Skype-ing/webcamming once he's back in his hotel room.

abah, always in my mind

2010-09-17T11:33:00.004+08:00

eid this year is especially more special because of the second man above. it was the first after so long i saw the smile on his face after so, so long. my granddaddy went through alot growing up. fighting through the Japanese Occupation, having to travel through the forest alone for seven nights straight in an effort to escape from the Japanese then, watching his very own family taken away and tortured, coming back home flustered to know he's no one left then searching one of the Indonesian islands for his brother. he grew up alone and independently, hence when he finally has a family of his own he worked so hard to make it the perfect one.

and indeed, it is. the mental scars left within him still haunts him every now and then. the consequences of having a rough life is showing itself now. as he sees that his current family slowly getting very pre-occupied with their own lives, he experiences that deja vu that he's going to lose his family again. how wrong, how wrong. but he doesnt know that.

ageing problems are affecting him greatly, and he cries every day in misery. my heart breaks to see the tears in his eyes. dear God, please, please ease the pain and burden in his heart that he's having. i cant bear to see the pain his eyes betray. please let me at least have the chance to repay back all that he has done for me. he was the one who brought me up for a large part of my childhood life when mummy and daddy were away alot. he was the one who painstakingly worked so hard to bring a good life to his children and grandchildren. it hurts, to see him slowly disintegrating into a man so weak and lifeless. i miss my Abah; my grandad.

they say, the best kind of man you should look for is one who is like your dad. for me, i rather it be my grandad. he's the best man of character and life that i have ever seen. he's the definition of a man. i love you Abah. please get well soon :'(

2010-09-14T19:14:00.003+08:00

prelim results have been a heartbreak, daggers through the heart. each moment passing slowly bringing you down, down, down. where did my brains go. where.

on a brighter note, hari raya celebrations has been awesome so far. this is a year of many many firsts for me. it's the first time my gramps are over here, it's the first time my paternal grandmother is over at dubai to celebrate with the rest of our family, it's the first time gave my mummy money(:, it's the first time im celebrating with , it's the first time i shed tears upon hearing the takbir, it's the first time i hugged my grandparents for the longest of time because im just so scared,.. it's the first time for alot more things other than that.

i guess, im blessed this year. maybe it's a form of 'reward' for me after having to experience a whole load of troubles prior to eid. God's nice that way (; dear God, please let grandaddy suffer as little pain as possible, because it breaks my heart to see him miserable like that. insyallah amin.

ill update when ive the mood to do so. right now, im just having a major heartbreak.

sigh.

selamat hari raya~ !

2010-09-10T14:11:00.002+08:00

decked in arab formal wear with our curls twirled and face made up, adik and i are currently waiting for the parents before we head out to the west to meet my grandparents whom i havent met for so, so long. they just came over from malaysia a few days ago whilst i was in camp.

one month of fasting is more than worth it for this joy that all muslims around the world are celebrating at this very moment. ill post more soon cause dad just came home from his friday prayers. after this shall be phototaking then off we go driving to the west.

happy hari raya dearest readers! (:

wake up call

2010-09-04T17:05:00.004+08:00

so yesterday, after having the meeting at newton with the rest that dragged till almost 12, i headed to the mosque for the qiyamulail night. this qiyamulail night is a night of prayers that is done on the last ten days of the fasting month. there's 3 different prayers altogether; solat tahajjud, solat tasbih and solat hajat. Accordingly, if one prays in the wee hours of the morning, yes from 3 plus to 5am, what he wishes for will be granted by God. And i believe, i believe.

reached the mosque around 12 plus accompanied by Fadli who train-ed with me and met up with the rest. tried to sleep before having to wake up at 3plus but i couldnt thanks to my stinging sore left eye plus my flu and migraine. but in the end, all was worth it because for the first time in a long long time, i prayed truly.

all this while, i have been praying, but never to the extent of feeling the sweetness of completing one. all this while, my prayers were done out of obligation, and my mind would be filled with school worries, waiting texts and IM, a bickering family, and what not. all this while, i prayed with the thought of, oh my i could be doing something else.

shame on me.

yesterday night, as i prayed tears streamed from my eyes without me realising it until i feel the warmth of the tears on my cheeks. the imam(leader of the prayer session) seemed to be sharing my melancholy. it's, the kind of sadness that brings you down to your knees.

the kind of sadness and regret thinking about what you've been doing with your life. the kind of sadness and heart-ache thinking about your grandparents who are battling with their ailments all and you cant be by their side. the kind of sorrow praying that people would not be angry with your grandparents just because they need to be dependent on others. the kind of melancholy thinking about how your family is trying its best to keep it together. the kind of regret wishing how you didn't do what you have done. the wishful thinking of hoping that all my parents' and grandparents' sins are being forgiven by Him. the wishful thinking that my two little siblings could have been right here with me asking me to play with them and oh god, being able to hear their adorable shrieks and laughers. the kind of lugubriousness thinking that one day you would be alone after learning how to fall in love again because the one you love might not be here someday because God says so.

its the kind of melancholy that makes you cry so, so hard and feel as if there's a ton resting on your heart. my scarf was stained with tears after completing my prayers. i dont really care about how i looked because i know, in His eyes, i was essentially nothing. there were many other kinds of sadness that i just can't put in words because the feeling is beyond me. the only strength i had became my greatest weakness as i cried so hard and let my tears be seen.

it was a good, good cry after so long

i learnt so much and i realised so much. thank God for opening my eyes and heart. on the surface i may look like a better follower of my religion than others who overtly reveal their apathy for Islam. But at the end of everything, it's the things left unsaid and actions not seen that says the most. im so weak inside.

this "new" spirit in me would probably start to weaken as days go by and i shift priorities. but i learn that every day is a new day to learn from your mistakes. no matter how good you are, you are still human and faltering is only part of your very nature.

believe in your own faiths and live life according to your guidelines. essentially every religion preaches the same, and it's only up to us to decide if we want to follow through or be someone who's easily swayed. i want to be the initial. oh God, please stay near me. i need you.

'Oh Allah, You're the One who pardons greatly, and loves to pardon, so pardon me'

-Tirmidhi

reminisce

2010-08-31T14:05:00.004+08:00

woke up this morning with the genuine intention of going to school for teacher's day celebration. could feel my left eye twitching, so i headed over to the mirror and zzzmg, my left eye was sore and red and watery nyeh :<>

i realised i havent been updating much on blogger cause tumblr's a big big distraction. so far im done with all prelims papers except for lit on friday then there comes my much needed holidays. together with camp, outings, sleeping in, meeting my babygirls and the boy, movie with bestie, then of course hari rayaaa, im going to have the most blissful time until of course, school starts all over again and we are presented with our heart-wrenching results.

hence, lesson learnt.

so since im home today, ive been at the kitchen baking! :D yeah, despite the eye sore baby! tonight im supposed to meet up with the rest of the jj people to break fast together but as seeing that baking would give me a better satisfaction, i bailed out heh. all in all, i would have skipped 4 iftars altogether. meh, 3 of them were days before my papers you see. plus, i really doubt i would have wanted to go to at least 2 of them.

first, is a meet up with a group people i havent met with, say, a long, long time. not to insult anyone or anything but i highly doubt we would have anything in common, yknow? besides, i just found out that the meet-up wasn't exactly for breaking fast. at least half of them were not fasting to start off with, and we were supposed to go shisha. okay, still okay with me. then when one of you told me that at the end of the night there's an open table, you think i really wouldn't mind? wtf. ive just lost all respect i have for you people. strange how we even used to be friends and that was how you guys turned out.

then the second group of people, was a bunch of lets just say, acquaintances whom i used to hang out with. we were pretty close, our parents knew each other and all that. then came tertiary. that was when i realise, pretty much everybody had chosen a completely different path from which we once agreed on. and to add insult to injury, you guys actually thought i would be just the same. wow. im sorry but even though i dont really know what i want to do with my life just yet, i am not going to screw it up just because. you ask me if i would like to come for another get-together? go figure.

it leaves me speechless, to know that people whom i used to share a life with and grew up with change so much. although ive to admit that i have made mistakes in choosing my friends wisely, im proud enough to say that at least, i know who to stick with and who to distant myself from. it's disappointing really.

on another note, ive been spending really little time with the boy nowadays. what with my prelims and commitments. he's just there waiting for me to say, "bi wanna meet?" i really appreciate you being there for me all the time. of course, except during early mornings when he has yet to wake up yet :p he's not the type of guy that i would have used to like. he's not the type of guy whom i would have idealistic views about. he's not the type of guy whom i would have ogled about. but he's the kind of guy who takes good care of me no matter what happens. he's the kind of guy who's not afraid to show me the tears in his eyes when he's afraid that i would leave. he's the kind of guy who would stay up all night to accompany me as i burn the midnight candle just so that he can text me a goodnight text before i sleep. he's the kind of guy who treats me better than i deserve. he's the kind of guy who feels that he's already attached when we dont exactly have a status together. he's the kind of guy who has so much surprises in his sleeves just so that he can put that smile on my face. he's the kind of guy who's not afraid to tell the whole world who i am to him. he's the kind of guy who when we bicker, he would do some self-reflection and expose that very vulnerable side to me. he's the kind of guy who doesnt get bothered by snide remarks we get from others. instead, he's the kind of guy who is working his ass of to prove to people that what we have is real and that im not making a mistake wanting to spend my time and life with him. honestly baby, those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter.

truth to be told, i was pretty sure i wasn't his type either. im not someone who texts the way he does, im not someone whose family is as accepting as his is. im not someone who shares everything even to my boyfriend. im someone who's individualistic, someone who hates that personal space being invaded by anyone. he's someone who wants the one he loves to be part of everything he does and vice versa. clearly, we were not a match.

but soon enough, i realise that we had a mile of differences, only because we were there to complement each other. after going through so much at a tender age, he's the most matured man ive met when it comes to family matters and character. teaching me so much about the sanctity of the family unit and values, and how much he loves his dad who's left this world, it makes me tear up everytime, because im not someone who's close to my family anymore. ive yet to talk to my dad proper for so, so long. but he encouraged me to take small steps, and alhamdulilah im starting to be more closer to my family now and perhaps my dad. my family's not the best family i hoped for, but he showed me just how much they actually mean to me.

we had our share of major mistakes. we were apart once, and i promised myself never to forgive him and i had my friends backing me up. until he came back. this person i know now, is no longer that person i once hated a good 8 months ago. i know it's hard for people to believe it, but im the only one who sees that change. it's an overstatement to say that he's turned over a new leaf, but trust me he did. the friends that backed me up once are the very same people who has yet to genuinely believe that he's changed. but it's okay, because im willing to go through that journey with you, because this is what i chose, and you're that one i need.
♥

(i so deserve xoxo la bi)

2010-08-29T09:53:00.002+08:00

the things they do, the words they say,

do you really think it matters to me?

whoever they are, whatever they do,

why cant you trust that they've got nothing on you?

congratulations! :)

2010-08-25T21:48:00.002+08:00

caught up with loic after so long of not doing so and yet again, he surprises me with another good news that has never failed to leave me in awe. this genius was awarded the Lee Kuan Yew All Round Excellence recently. yet again, you've made your mother proud, wherever she is :)

truly an all-rounder, him. congratulations again dearest noor loic bin satar! :)

Mr Noor Loic B Satar of Mayflower Secondary School, a Lee Kuan Yew All Round Excellence awardee, is another recipient of great strength of character and resilience. The death of his mother in 2005 was a turning point for Loic, who was determined to make his mother proud. His apathy was transformed into initiative, and led to his various achievements ranging from being the President of the Student Leader Board to a recipient of the school’s CARE award.
Loic is described by his teacher as an outstanding leader who possesses quiet confidence and the ability to inspire his peers to set higher goals, and to push beyond their limit to achieve them. Loic, your mother would be very proud of you.

-MRS LIM HWEE HUA, MINISTER IN PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE, SECOND MINISTER FOR FINANCE AND TRANSPORT

i want to meet my grandparents. i miss them ):

285th

2010-08-21T23:03:00.002+08:00

boo youu boo youuuu :p

2010-08-21T17:47:00.002+08:00

i had a dream about you last night it was totally odd. you were still with that gleeful smile and those mischievous eyes. i remembered my sister telling my that you looked like a nerd and at the same time my daddy said you looked like a gangster. haha memories. but it was nice seeing you after so so long. makes me happy to see you happy :)

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious you're not really losing it; you're just passing it off to someone else.
-Mitch Albom

today i planned on sleeping in after losing much sleep over the week due to the first week of prelims but thanks alot to the re-roofing on my roof right nowww, that idea didnt materialise. my eyebags are horrible alreadyyy :'(

so far, math, econs paper 1 and geepee. math was beyond a human's capacity. no doubt. statistics used to be something i know i can do well in but nyehhh. econs paper was pandemonium at its best. in 2h 15 mins try writing 2395 essays. boy, i didnt stop writing since the start of the paper and the moment i laid back against the chair when time was up..knncbccbcb. my back hurts so baaad. sigh. i dont even want to talk about gp. that USED to be the only subject i was confident in scoring. sheesh.

all the way up till the week after next would be the rest of prelims so i guess not much updates till then. the last week of the fasting month would be term holidays yayyee. might have to be organising a primary school camp with fadli, gary and shalina but that's not confirmed yet i guess. but i want to do qiyamulail this year againn. that's like a yearly tradition already, with the girls:) now that ive stopped sunday religious classes i cant be organising the qiyamulail camp like how i used to before ): how sad. happy fasting dear Muslim readers!

oh i miss you so~~~

2010-08-17T20:35:00.005+08:00

as syairah would say;

DAY 1: Best friend

I’ve 2 best friends. Mariam and Sharifah, the closest i am to for quite a long time up till now.

You two lovely ladies, study hard for prelims and eventually As okay. I know we all feel like giving up. Hell, i am not worthy of advising you people seeing that i’m the first to give up allll the time (not exaggerating really) but no matter what, there’s no turning back now right. It’s still gonna come so might as well go for it. The whole world (being your world of friends, family members etc) is behind you and will be throughout your whole life so don’t worry too much about failing. Cause you may never know, with their blessings and prayers, you might just make it, could be much better than you expected even. So let’s do this together okay (: After As, we have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to enjoy regardless of how we did for As haha.

On a more personal note, i miss you guys truckloads. Sharifah especially seeing how rare our meetups are! Even though your house is right beside my school! -.- Thanks for being yourselves cause your nonsensical acts never fail to cheer me up knowing or unknowingly. Thanks for all the support you guys have given me as we pulled through PSLE (Mariam) and Os (both of ya). The two of you have seen a lot more of my priceless and unglam moments and i would appreciate it if you do not disclose them haha.

I’m sorry if i’ve ever hurt you guys with my actions/words considering how my mulut macam mulut laser kan. But you know you still love me lol.

Mariam, your constant supply of MEGA LAME jokes (if they’re even jokes to begin with -.-) never fail to crack me up. Well, it’s not so much of your jokes but more of your expression and horrible failed impersonations hehe. You, don’t give up please. You’re the last person i’d wanna see giving up. You’re really hardworking and smart (duhhhh) so don’t even plan your failure and just attempt As okay. Like the guys said, Prelims is supposed to screw you up and bring you down. If prelims really will screw you up, make a comeback for As okay. I love you.

Sharifah, you and your minah talks never fail to enrich me, adding on to my minah vocabulary tsktsk. Your endless stories of how guys stalk you, confess to you etc keeps me coming back for more. Cause we’ll always end up scrutinising each and every guy HAHA. Satu satu kental ah kan lol. I want you to be happy, like genuinely happy. And if others can’t make you happy, come to me! HAHA. Surely my blurness will entertain you. You, my dear, take care of yourself please. You know what’s good and what’s not for you so do what you have to do okay. And yes, study hard for As okay babe. We will pull through (: I love you.

damn it syairah i really miss you now ): ( btw your post is so cute, reminds me of primary school compositions where they would ask; write a composition about your bestfriend or sth :P )

yes baby i'll definitely look for you for my regular dosage of haairrrpeeeness. we'll have our sleeppver after As k k k, i want you all to myself! nyeheh. your antics of never ending unglam moments never fail to make me laugh till my abs, cheh abs, till my tummy hurts. you study hard too sweetheart! miss you truckloads ♥

p/s: your many many unglam videos and photos are still safe within my keep so, be nice ><

phobias; i have Phobophobia too that is, fear of phobias -.-

2010-08-15T15:31:00.004+08:00

dearest fai, being as free as he always is, showed me a list of phobias he stumbled on while trying to find a name for my fear of dots. and boy, did i find myself facing alot of very promising and sanguine names that disguise the horrible meaning behind it :C

so after some time, i found out that i have;

Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.(!!!)
Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness(too many times, yet)
Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia. (muscular incoordination)what i do with my right, ive to do with my left. gah.
Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.
Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.(!!!)
Bathophobia- Fear of depth
Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders, etc :S :S
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.(!!!)
Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed place(!!!)
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns :'(
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables (cockroach legs :S)
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up

estee! if you're reading this, you have - Achluophobia; Fear of darkness ):

jeez, that was after going through the list once. but FAAAAAAAAI!, my fear of dots is still not being identified yet oh noo. am i the only weird one? wait, nita has the same phobia too but she seems to be getting over it quite easily! sheesh. thanks muhd faisal for making me more paranoid :S

there are still some fears of mine that weren't named in the list :<

fear of the sound of fabric rubbed against each other. especially people dragging their feet across the carpet. ohmygosh.
fear of crumpled paper bags
fear of stepping on cracks and lines. okay this, im getting over quite well.
fear of being around tall people. i panic.
but of course my fear of dots. ultimate paranoia.
fear of chicken feet eeeeeee

here's the list if you guys wna check your phobias out. depressing much.

http://phobialist.com/

longer than forever

2010-08-14T16:01:00.008+08:00

"Baby, i cant sleep thinking of you, especially that sweet smile of yours..the way you make me laugh. Bi, you know something, you deserve someone better. yet, you still stick with me, which really touches my heart. without you by my side i cannot do what was once impossible. with your support im starting to see my success.. I shall not say that i love you tonight because my love for you is still growing and i know it can't be describe by words. Gorgeous, thank you for this beautiful story which i know will have lots of chapters in it."

now you would probably understand why, up til now, ive yet to say that i love you to you into your eyes
(: